Friday, April 30, 2010

Below is my days' work, an 8 page paper about transgender stuff. I don't know if you'll like it, or even think it's good, but you have to remember I'm just aiming to get a low B on it. So it is what it is. 
I spent the afternoon making JellO shots, I'll post pictures tomorrow (if I can stand the sight of JellO). They're currently too strong for my delicate sensibilities and I'm going to top them with whipped cream before I eat them. 
It's either the thunder storm that's brewing or my gorgeous dress, but Cat is being extra snuggly. He's currently curled up on my legs, listening to traffic outside. He's nervous about thunderstorms, so I won't stay out too late tonight and I'll make sure to leave him some space in my closet to hide. We took a great (but short) nap this afternoon together. We're finally bonding as far as snuggling in our sleep. Apparently, he feels comfortable around me now. He's going to mad at me next weekend when I spend Mother's Day with him at the clinic for the AIDs study. 
I have an A- in Statistics going into the optional final. All I need to get a legit A in the class is a 92 on the final, so I'm going to take it on Monday. Great. Finals Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday. Bummer of semester. How am I going to have time to celebrate my almost graduation?
 Cat hates thunderstorms; he might love my dress. 
Tonight is my friend Dale's birthday. I must go make myself presentable. Today I realize that I looked like I was channeling a cracked out Weird Al Yankovic. Or better yet, Mickey Avalon. 




Reaffirmation of Heteronormative Spaces through Transgender Lives


            Transgender narratives seem to reinforce the heteronormative social structure through the severity with which gender roles are embraced throughout the male to female or female to male transition process. Yet these narratives are also cemented through the creation and maintenance of the “queer spaces” in which many transgendered people live their lives. It is these very queer spaces that can lead to the violent reaction often seen from those not living in those spaces, possibly motivated by the fear of those spaces and the reflection of the normative structures within. Transgender narratives uphold sexual dimorphism and thus subtly reinforce class and gender stereotypes through the behavior and attitudes of the characters as well as the reactions of those around the transgendered character.
            Judith Halberstam’s In a Queer Time and Place defines “queer” as “nonnormative logics and organizations of community, sexual identity, embodiment, and activity in space and time” (Halberstam 6). Arguably, all transgendered people within the narratives examined are living in some form of queer space and time, no matter their class or educational background.  This is based on their own conceptions of community, their varied sexual identities and the ways that they perceive normalcy.
            Brandon Teena, portrayed by Hilary Swank in Boys Don’t Cry, is living in a queer space that is at the same time of his own making and also out of his control. His organization of community is made up of people that he barely knows, yet feels bonded to. He lives and interacts with them, building a community with them.
            The film Paris is Burning shows the creation and maintenance of family-style communities called houses. Every house has a position designated as “mother” and one designated “father.” Those two people help the others around them and work to help create a safe space for their “children.”
            John, Lana, and the others are unknowingly participating in Brandon’s queer space because they too are part of a non-normative family. Lana and John, because of their distinct feminine and masculine characteristics, neatly mirror the principal mother and father roles of the normative family structure. As Lana begins her relationship with Brandon, John begins to feel threatened by Brandon’s masculinity.  As a result of the fear that he feels, he reacts violently to the discovery that Brandon isn’t a biological man. During the bathroom reveal scene, Lana says, “Leave him alone,” and John replies, “Him?” This questioning of Brandon’s gender and sexuality show that John feels as though their brotherhood has been betrayed. Brandon has unintentionally let his queer space overlap with John’s normative space and John is unable to react to the intrusion any way but violently.
            Transamerica’s Bree Shupack is a male to female transsexual, but before she can begin her transition she must address the issue of her son. Toby reacts in the typically masculine way once he finds out that Bree is actually a biological male, but unlike John, does not display the violent tendencies. His anger that lacks violence can be attributed to his juvenile status, and the fact that he and Bree are not fighting to share the same position of alpha male within a group. Toby has naturally deferred to Bree regardless of her female presentation.
            Jennifer Boylan’s Jenny finds that her sons react without the anger or violence of masculinity, most likely because they are so young. They accept their father as a woman without question. “We need to come up with a better name for you than Daddy, if you’re going be to a girl” (Boylan 158). It’s obvious that the boys understand the masculine gender roles, but it’s also clear that they aren’t an absolute. “How about Maddy? You know, like half Mommy and half Daddy?” (Boylan 159). They are willing to see the transition as a blend of the past and the future and accept it without question. The boys are still young enough to bathe together and their passive acceptance of their father’s desire to be female shows that they have not yet begun to understand the pressures for male dominance that they will find as they mature.
            Jennifer Boylan’s character Jenny in her memoir She’s Not There deals with normative fear as well, but on a different level. “Now, there used to be a James Boylan on campus….Are you his wife?” asks a former student, to which Jenny replies “He’s gone now” (Boylan 18). She repeats “He’s gone now,” speaking of her male identity in a dream. Jenny’s writing of her former identity as “gone” serves as a way to alienate her male identity and cement her as female in the minds of her readers. Her narrative is structured through an almost fictional viewpoint, incorporating elements of magical realism as a way to self-edit her experiences. The self-editing can be read as a way of normalizing her transition to show it as a smooth, positive experience rather than a painful one. Richard Russo’s afterword says “Jenny’s operation seemed almost an anticlimax. For her it was a natural conclusion, a resolution, really” (Boylan 289). Even though Jenny has found acceptance, her queer space comes from her inability to write without striving to maintain her normative space.
She unintentionally upholds the upper middle class dynamics and expectations of behavior and thought through her transgender narrative, making it less about her transition and more about the reactions that she expects or doesn’t expect from her transition. “Wouldn’t it be better, after all,” she asks, “to be like the couple we saw on our honeymoon, the husband who couldn’t’ talk and the wife who couldn’t hear?” (Boylan 109). To age as an older heterosexual couple would be the ultimate reinforcement of social norms, and Jenny is about to break with that, yet still attempt to maintain the relationship that she had constructed as a male.
Boylan writes Jenny through memories that seem to conflict the ease of her transition and her expectations. “In the long run, a transsexual who hopes to build a life around high heels and sponge cake is in for something of a disappointment” (Boylan 247). But just a page previous, Jenny says “For me the party was just beginning….I wore makeup on Sundays. I wore skirts when most other mothers were wearing yesterday’s blue jeans…Other women, especially Grace, looked on all this activity with annoyance, and who could blame them, or her?” (Boylan 246). Boylan’s understanding of the viewpoints of the people around her who are reading her narrative is explicit here. She explains her reasons for censoring herself and the narrative about her experience of transitioning, yet she sensationalizes the transition and delights in being able to tell about the feminine activities she engaged in.
Boylan exaggerates the feminine characters that she feels will help her pass as a woman. Her description of going outside in a skirt is somewhat dramatic, even for a partially fictionalized narrative: “The world felt raw and intimidating; the cold wind howled on my bare legs” (Boylan 70). While the vulnerability that is symptomatic of the female identity does indeed exist, the belief that a man who most likely wore shorts and walked through dark alleys for many years would be so overwhelmed by the thought of walking in a skirt that he’d nearly “perish from fear” (Boylan 70) is fairly extreme.
“…for example, he implies repeatedly that gender variance is an anachronistic marker of same-sex desire. Altman writes, ‘I remain unsure why just ‘drag’ and its female equivalents, remains a strong part of the contemporary homosexual world, even where there is increasing space for open homosexuality and a range of acceptable ways of ‘being’ male of female’ (91)” (Halberstam 37). Both Boylan and Bree Shupack contradict this statement with their over-portrayal of feminine characteristics in order to pass as female in society. Frye’s concept of drag as applicable to a heterosexual relationship also reinforces the notions that there is only one certain way to “be” male or female in a public setting, something that the transgender characters reinforce to the extreme. Coming from the opposite side, they see only one way to present, and that is by incorporating the characteristics that they see as either feminine and masculine and embodying them entirely. In Transamerica, Bree asks that Toby not refer to her as “dude,” something that wouldn’t normally bother most women, but bothers Bree because it makes her acutely more aware of her own status as a biological male.
Jenny assumes that all women drink Diet Coke, and since she does, too, that makes her a woman. “It would be my first official reintroduction to the college community since I’d switch from regular to Diet Coke” (Boylan 9). Her assumption shows that even though she has transitioned from male to female, she still believes that the outward “sex markers” make her feminine and relies on those as a way to communicate her identity. The feminine presentation reinforces stereotypes about women rather than recreating the feminine identity.
            John unknowingly upholds the masculine stereotypes and expectations through his violent reactions to various situations in Boys Don’t Cry. After his daughter accidentally urinates on him, his reaction, rather than being one of comfort toward her, is of flight. Rather than trying to fully understand her situation, he selfishly leaves her feeling humiliated and unsure of himself in order to reassert his dominant masculinity after he feels that his normative space has been threatened. His protectiveness of his space will prove fatal to Brandon at the end of the film.
            Brandon, as the only female to male transgendered narrative studied, does not constantly sustain and uphold the masculine qualities so expected of him, but his reluctance to do so leads to his death. In displaying qualities such as sensitivity, Brandon exposes himself as not being truly sexed male, although he is identifying as and living as one. His queer space, and the outright performance of his masculinity, is threatening to John and the others. Halberstam writes, “Sometimes the feminine character will be a man and the narrative will compel him to either become a male hero or self-destruct” (Halberstam 85). While Brandon Teena is not the feminine character, the female body still exists, creating an inescapable link between his existing identity and the one that he’s presenting, which can be read as a castrated male in order to explain his feelings as a male without having the biological characteristics, including a penis.
John’s masculinity is characterized in Masculinities as one who will “live fast/die young.” This type of masculinity is characterized as having run-ins with the law (which can be viewed in the scene where Brandon is driving and is pulled over for speeding, something John has encouraged, yet gets angry at him for doing), sparse employment history, use of drugs and alcohol, and the benefits of male dominance. John benefits from his dominance over Lana because he is able to control her actions, even as she resists. Her typically feminine submissiveness allows him to assert his dominance over her.
            The lower class status that Brandon, John and Lana fall into forces them to use their gender roles to define themselves and express their power because they do not have any other means of asserting their power. Whereas Jenny Boylan can rely on her academic career, which involves publishing, speaking and teaching, none of the characters in Boys Don’t Cry are able to strive toward anything outside of their immediate financial survival. None of them have steady jobs and seem to live in a space that involves substance abuse and a generally transient lifestyle, furthering their isolation from the middle and upper classes and cementing their need to use physical strength as a source of gender role identification.
            Jenny Boylan is able to rely on her class status as a buffer from the violent reactions to her transition, although in doing so, she maintains the lifestyle that she led before her change. Lucky to have kept her wife, Boylan maintains the heteronormative life she led before her transition, albeit she now does so as a woman. Boylan’s queer space shares space with her class status and is affected because of it.
            The character of Bree Shupack in the film Transamerica, while more stably employed than Brandon Teena’s character, walks the middle line between lower class and middle class. She washes dishes at a Mexican restaurant and also does telephone sales in order to make ends meet and to pay for her surgeries. She shares the ability to pay for physical changes and to have sexual reassignment surgery with Jenny Boylan, something that Brandon Teena is either uninterested in and/or unable to do.
            The transgender narratives show the characters as living in or coming into contact with “queer spaces” in their lives. These queer spaces, while at the same time removed from the normative structures, also mirror the same structures that they are not. Family structures are maintained and reinforced in the queer spaces, just as femininity and masculinity are taken to the extreme by the transgender characters attempting to create a sense of normalcy in their lives. The transgender characters all uphold sexual dimorphism because of their attempts to completely transition from one biological sex to the other through outward appearance and presentation. Rather than removing themselves from the normative spaces by entering their queer spaces, transgender narratives show that the queer spaces in fact mirror the normative spaces in structure.
           

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Writing papers

It's hard to work when the rough draft of your paper is being held down by a furry paperweight. 


Agenda

A million different things today:

I'm mulling over summer plans. I know, summer semester starts in like three weeks, why don't I have it together?
As of right now, I'm enrolled in two classes (I only need one to graduate) and am looking to add a third.
This will allow me to get my third minor.
Problem: the third class that I need (any 200-level Sociology class) isn't offered during the first summer session, which would mean that I'd have to stay in Chicago all through July into August, which is definitely not an option.
Possible solutions: drop the third minor and get a job. But then there's the problem of employment. Many people are going to be reluctant to hire someone for two months. And I would feel accomplished if I could say that I have three minors. (Even though it's at added cost. The plus side to this is a GPA boost.)
Or, as I am planning on doing, adding my third class as an internship. The only problem is going to be the problem of finding one, getting it count for credit, etc. There's the chance (although it diminishes as I realize that it's probably going to be a non-profit internship, if I get one) that I could get paid for it, thus solving the money problem.
However, I am focused right now on finishing college rather than on money, only because we're right there, we're so close, let's not stop now. Loans, baby, loans.

Also, I am going to San Francisco in July. My friend Anna got a week at her aunt and uncle's time share as her graduation present and so all of us are packing up and heading out for a week before our real lives begin. I'm thrilled. I think it's going to be one of the best adventures yet, and with free lodging? Even better.

I took my last Statistics test today. I have an A or a B+ going into it, and if I do well on it, I don't have to take the final because my grade will just stick. Part of me wants to take the final anyway just to see how I'd do. So I might, because I really want that A.
And other than that, it's looking like my final push of academic attempts might pay off in the end.
But maybe not. I'm two weeks late turning in a ten page paper for my Social Work class, but I think that it's just about the most ridiculous thing ever, so whatever.
I'm meeting with a professor today to talk about a paper that's due tomorrow and then it's back home to get things done. Perhaps I'll stay in the library all day and just churn out work.

After I re-write two articles for Advanced Reporting to get my B, then write that ten page social work paper, then write a six page gender theory paper, I'm done, done, done.
Spanish listening final tomorrow, so I'm going to need to review vocabulary and tenses tonight. I'm really good at listening, so I never stress about the listening parts, but if I can do well on it, it'll boost my final grade.

Gender theory/english final on Tuesday. Meeting with an internship lady on Tuesday.
Spanish final Friday.
Women's studies presentation/final Saturday.

Done.  Then begins the packing process for the long drive.
If you're flying Southwest, you should bring an extra suitcase and let me pack stuff in it. Mostly books and trinkets, and maybe winter clothes. I'm going to make Mike take back my George Foreman and waffle maker if he can. If not, just books and winter things. That way, I'll have less to ship when it's all said and done.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Kitten Cat

I love him. 



In case you can't tell, I caved and got a new camera. And I'm very happy that I did.

Monday, April 26, 2010

Nostalgia, stress, and the final push toward commencement

Today was the last official Monday of my undergraduate career.
I'm getting nostalgic, not really for school but for Chicago and the life that I've been able to lead here. 
I've learned so much, not only about myself, but about the human condition and humanity in itself. 

I've also learned a lot about people. 
I've been very grateful for my education lately, especially because I'm studying the Chicago Public Schools. I find that a lot of kids aren't given all of the opportunities that I had (educationally) and don't have the support networks (family) that I have now. In hindsight, I wish that I'd worked harder in college. In all honesty, I never thought I'd go to graduate school, and now that's what I want to do. Once I get to grad school, I'll be more able to commit to my work because I know what it will mean for me.  
I've been overwhelmed by the feelings of failure. I feel as though I didn't do well enough. I feel as though my resume isn't enough; I feel as though my work experience isn't enough; I don't feel prepared. I know that it comes with time, and I'm trying to convince myself that I've done something pretty great by moving out of state and getting a degree. (By the way, my GPA isn't terrible. I have a 3.0. It's a B average. Considering the amount of work I put in - the bare minimum - I've done well.) 
I'm just working on feeling proud of myself and working on feeling confident as I work on building my resume in the next year or two before I head back to school. 
And I just need to focus, focus, focus and be determined. And I want to realize that I'm capable of doing the things that I need to do. 
But I'm not going to lie, I'm really scared. 
Right now, my future is empty. And it's terrifying. 
I should look at it as an opportunity. A freedom. I could move anywhere. 
I'm going to give Denver a year, and if I'm not comfortable there, I'm going to pick up and maybe move somewhere else. 
But maybe not. I really love the urban environment. I love the frenzy, I love the anonymity (I'm really shy, actually), I love the smells and the tastes and the sights. 
We shall see. 

I've learned a lot about living with people, too. Yesterday, Maddie and I spent five hours cleaning the house. When she got home, instead of saying thank you, my roommate said, "The house is clean." It was a major letdown. I worked so hard and have been so frustrated lately by the conditions under which we live. I'm not a maid. We've never been good at maintaining a clean system and I know that. 
But lately, it's been worse than ever.  For example, I left out a tray of brownies, covered, only to come home and find them half gone. I had made those with the intention of giving some away to friends, but wasn't able to. 
For me, it's an issue of respect. Maintaining any relationship takes a lot of work, and trust on both sides. I no longer have that here. I feel disrespected on a daily basis, whether it's food or my possessions. I don't feel as though any of my stuff is safe. 
It's hurtful. It's been hurtful. 
I've been trying to imagine what she might be thinking, hoping that it will help end my anger, which is only growing day after day. But I can't. Sure, I might be a little cluttered, but I wish I knew the root of the problem. 
I'll keep thinking about it. 

I love Cat. I love playing with him. I love watching him. He's so curious, so snuggly, so independent. While Maddie was cleaning the shelves and organizing the DVDs last night, he'd climb into the spaces and lay down, wagging his tail. 
We're participating in an FIV (cat AIDs) study on May 9th at 2pm. Someone remind me. 26th at the Lurie Spay/Neuter clinic. Cat is going to hate it. He knows when we go there (that's where he had his cancer surgery and before that, was neutered when he was a street cat) and he won't be happy. But I'll buy him some cute new toy mice to play with. 

Sunday, April 25, 2010

A moment of gratitude.

Watching the film "Precious."
My heart is breaking for every teen mother.
Grateful for everything, even my little annoyances.
They're not quite the same.
Think of twelve things you're glad you have:
-cat  (for company)
-a warm bed
-education
-food (fresh fruit, especially)
-health (mostly)
-simon (every day)
-clean water
-fruit (my brother, not the food)
-my mom
-good friends
-clean clothes (usually)
-my own space, and thoughts, and dreams, and hopes

Saturday, April 24, 2010

The End

"It's not you," she begins, hesitantly. Silence. She doesn't finish. Instead, she grabs the latte, still steaming, takes a sip and then, wincing as the liquid burns her mouth, stands gracefully, turns slowly, calculatedly, and exits.
He sits, left behind, left alone. He sits and sighs. And then he grabs her uneaten danish and, taking a bite, turns the page of the newspaper sitting in front of him and begins to read.
There will be another. He swallows the bite of danish.
She's watching him through the window, hoping he won't look up. Hoping he might. But he doesn't. More bites, more page-turning. A sip of black coffee, no longer steaming, cooling as the minutes pass.
She realizes she might look like it really was her and so this time her turn is definite and abrupt. She turns into a man passing by, whose arm catches her now-cooled latte and upends it.
And thus it really is her and she really is soaking wet, covered in the cup of coffee she only bought to buy another few minutes of futile frustration at the end of a benign courtship.
His lips curl up, but barely.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Fictive Evening.


I took the book and ripped it. Shredded that shit to, well, shreds. Torn scraps of paper littered the ground at my feet. I looked down at them. I stared at them. They didn’t move. A gust of wind flew through the window, swirling the bits of paper around, and around. Blow me, I think. It’s a thought directed at no one in particular.            
            But all thoughts are directed somewhere, aren’t they?
            Where, I think. Nowhere.
            The little letters remained intact, even as I shredded, shedding onto my fingers, coloring them. It’s not a color, though. Black ink, white fingers.  My stained white fingers, black now. Black but still white.
            I close the window. I’d prefer that the scraps stay put. I’m not into throwing away perfectly good literature. When I’m done with them, done staring, I’ll sweep them into a jar where they’ll join other novels, great literature that I’ve read and then kept. For posterity.
            No wind, no motion, stagnant, just the way I’d like to keep it. The jars fill the space at the top of my cabinets. Sometimes I leave the novels in wine bottles. I like the way the type looks in the dark green glass. Perfect.
            The bottles cast gentle shadows on the walls behind them. Shadows are oddly comforting. They are transient beings, not really being, but they are, just because something else is, was, will be. They are dependant on the light.
            Am I dependent on the light?
            Ouch. The sharp sting of soft paper tears my flesh, a tiny slice near my thumb. I recoil. Damn paper, I think. Goddamn the writer who made those words. You don’t make words, I chide myself. You use them 
            Use them. Make them your own. Throw them away.
            Or don’t. But you probably should. You can’t keep words; they were never yours to begin with. 

Apologetic, I Promise

As much as I'd like to preach productivity and responsibility to your readers, alas, I cannot.
We are coasting in to the last week of regular classes and then after that, the week of finals and then I feel as though my life can begin again.

Exhaustion is the tip of the emotional iceberg at the moment. Other than that, it's as though someone threw every emotion that it is possible to feel into a blender. That was a horrible metaphor.
Everything and nothing, all at once.

So I will be back soon enough, stealing time to write things. Hopefully during night class tonight I will be able to get some stuff done.

Monday, April 19, 2010

A Pedestrian Glimpse of Chicago

The train pulls into the station slowly as passengers stand and progress toward the doors. We wait patiently, or not so much, either standing stoically or tapping their feet in time to unheard music. The very second the doors slid open, they burst from the train, turning right toward the stairs. The stairs are where everything becomes streamlined, a steady progression of down, down, down, down, but a careful one. Metal bars that were once painted white but now show spots of rust provide access to the street. Turn, turn, turnstile, the people slowly beg. They don't stop moving, not for a single second as they wait their turn to exit.
And then we disperse, a silent collection of lonely individuals on our way to better things.
I walk past the chain link fence that holds the trash and equipment, past the dark alley, past the crumbling building bearing barely used storefronts. I see a nearly homeless looking man with a cane, wearing baggy cottons and a hat limp out to meet a dark Escalade, parked glittering under a street light. The rims on the tires gleam, winking at me. They shake hands, a quick exchange, and then the car pulls away and the man limps toward his companion.
I smile to myself, staring at the school bus ahead of me unloading a soccer team home from a late away game, staring into the tree-lined, dimly lit night and think, I'm going to miss this place.



I arrived home and found a long-awaited piece of mail: Simon's registration tags. I am no longer on the run. However, I have waited longer than two weeks to contest this ticket, so that shall be first on tomorrow's agenda. Oh dear me, let's please fast forward until May 7th. That is when I shall be done (for the most part) with my undergraduate career.

Graduation party will be held at Maddie's house in their backyard area at 11am the morning following my graduation. We will be doing a Costco run to get the necessities and such, so don't expect anything too lovely or wild. But it should be quite communal and pleasant.

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Details of nothing

Much apologies for the delay: this has indeed been the week of all things crazy.

However, today I am going to take some deep breaths, go for a bike ride and do some laundry. Perhaps I shall even read a book for fun.
I slept late, probably an indicator that I should not stay out until three in the morning.
It was a weird night. I drank a bottle of wine and felt only anxious, tense, out of place. It wasn't pleasant drunk, or really even any drunk at all, just a disconnected reality growing in front of me. I talked and talked, and there was talking and maybe some laughter, but I wanted to go home.
And so finally I did.
Checking the mail at 3 am is something you do when you're expecting a special envelope from the state of Colorado, but alas, I have never been so disappointed to see the Economist in my life. There it was. That and the RCN (cable) bill.
I was happy to curl up with Cat and sleep.
Lately, he's been a better snuggler. He now has a spot right by my shoulder that he curls up in and then I wrap my arm around him and he buries his head in my hand. It's adorable, to say the least. Currently, he's stomping around my bed trying to get comfortable. Yesterday, he sighed the cutest cat sigh ever.  He loves to walk all over my computer keyboard, probably just to annoy me. Perhaps today I'll take him for another walk and let him get some exercise.

Alas, school is winding to a close. The graduation party is going to be a wildly informal affair: we're going to do it at like 11am on the Saturday after graduation (so it will be the day after, May 15) at Maddie's apartment. There's a picnic table area in the back of the apartment next door and we're just going to do some chair arranging, etc. and get dip and trays.

But yes. Last night I had Ethiopian food for the first time. I disliked the bread, but I really enjoyed what I ordered, which I'm assuming is standard fare the world over, beef with peppers and onions. You are served the food in a large, round metal dish. The bottom of the dish is covered in a spongy, flat bread. On top of the bread is piles of food. And so you rip a piece of bread (there are also separate servings of the bread) and then use it as if it was a utensil to eat the food.
Delicious, but I found that I'd prefer to eat the food without the bread. It was a bit sour for my taste.

Surviving the week, but pulling in with a lost cell phone charger, I've found that perhaps I'm going to attempt to stay away from all things mechanical this week.
Bike rather than car, etc.

I fixed my bike all by myself! (It has no front brakes, btw. No one told me that last summer....good thing I checked before I started riding.) I took off the back tire and had to deal with the chain and replacing a tire, etc. all of which are things I've never done before! Feeling incredibly proud of myself at the moment, don't judge me.
It's something, right?

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Cat and keys and everything else.

Oh my. It has been a wild week indeed.

After the fiasco that was the plane ticketing, I got a last minute babysitting gig. Thinking, yeah, I'll be fiscally responsible; I won't go play trivia; this is going to be alright....

And so I went.

And then my keys got flushed down the toilet by a 2 year old.

And now I'm out more money than I made.

On the upside, I bought Cat a little harness and leash. We went for a walk today. I don't know that it was necessarily a walk; it involved a lot of him rolling around in dirt and wandering around smelling things. But I think he was happy about being able to be outside. Taking him inside was like taking a toddler home from the park. There was sad cat meowing and a hesitancy to climb the stairs. But at least he got to go out.

Exhaustion. More of this later.

Thursday, April 08, 2010

Pixels

I should like to buy a new camera.

I've been holding off since my last (how many have we been through now? 4?) camera broke on Halloween. Usually, it's my fault (sand, it getting stolen at a bar, more sand...) but this time it was nobody's fault and that upset me. I take responsibility (I don't know why, it's my own sense of responsibility to myself, I guess) and then buy a new one. But this time I held off.

Now that I'm realizing that my time here is numbered (cue heavy melodramatic music), I'm wanting to document my life here. My college-self isn't necessarily dying, but she's being pushed aside for real-life-grown-up-Katie and I'm nervous to lose the things that I love here. My routine. The funny things I see every day. My neighborhood.

And I've realized that the very first thing I buy when I graduate (because I'll still be here, still be in school, but at least I'll have the hopes of summer in my mind and heart) will be a new camera. That way I can document my life here and keep it safe.
I miss picture blogs, and I hope you do too.

I'm not going to buy a point and shoot and I'm not going to buy a super nice one either, I'm going to go straight down the middle. Perhaps a digital with a nice lens?

Also, it snowed today in Chicago. That was lame. A little cold. A little tired. This week stretches on, but I'm excited to get to Denver tomorrow. It will be a quick break and then a quicker slide to graduation. And then a break, for which I will be back in Denver for the obligatory doctor's appointments and settlement figured out, and then summer classes and then home.

Where is home?

I want to travel. I want to pick up and go somewhere. South America?

Wednesday, April 07, 2010

Evasion of the Best Kind

Ah, the things one learns when one lives in Chicago.
Unlike Colorado, Illinois does not have a 30-day grace period for vehicle registration.
Alas, I woke Monday morning to a perfectly placed parking ticket bearing that oh-so-familiar orange coloring. My windshield and those things are well acquainted.
Funny thing, though: I had parked legally.
Pssh, idiots, I thought. Then I looked at the date of registration. 3/10.
It's now 4.
Shit.
It had totally slipped my mind. So the past few days have been a blur of frantic attempts to get an emissions test (finally accomplished this afternoon), faxing papers and registration, googling the exact statute for Colorado that gives me extra time, etc. etc.
And so, I have been hiding Simon from the police.
Hiding in plain sight.
That car cover that I bought so long ago, which has been languishing in the closet, was pulled out and put on. He looks ridiculous. He's the only car on the block that is buried under a white (now dirty brown-white) sheet. But, hedging my bet that I'm legally bound to Colorado law and not Illinois, I've managed to escape ticketing by assuming that the police are too lazy to pull back the sheet in order to look at the license plate. And thus far, I've been correct. Since Monday, I've remained ticketless and Simon has managed to be covered through the first hail of the spring.
Ha, take that Chicago.

I'm fighting the first ticket based on the registration laws but also based on the fact that no circle was filled in about why the ticket was being issued. Stay tuned for updates on that ordeal.

Tuesday, April 06, 2010

Sourcing and the future. Or, the way we were.

I'm slowly being squeezed to death by gender theory. Simultaneously, I am being force fed Foucault and Butler. Two separate classes, teaching the same theorists. No one else knows this pain, the gradual tightening of the noose of gender theory.
I'm realizing that there are some things in life you just don't want to understand. I don't want to think more about it. It is what it is, I want to write on the paper that's due Thursday. It is what it is and what I think doesn't matter now and won't ever.
But that's not why we throw money at education, is it?
I'd like to have learned something useful; been forced to take classes about resume building and interviewing, ideas of lives well-led. The journeys that the professors themselves have been on to get to where they are today.
Not everyone skyrockets straight to the top, but they don't tell you that.
They string you along and then dump you, indebted and lonely, a twenty two year old graduate with a bachelor's degree in something you thought you'd love. Then what?

I found a quote that I loved, in a memoir by a transsexual. I love this book. I started it last night. I relate to this woman (not sexuality-wise) but I love her life and her observations and her humor and her narrative voice.

"Briefly I was a journalist in my twenties, although not a very good one. I didn't quite grasp the whole concept of accuracy. Whenever I needed a quote, I'd just make one up and attribute it to an 'anonymous source.' On one occasion, I alleged that something had been stated 'according to someone that would know.'"
-From She's Not There, by Jennifer Boylan.


This morning in the pouring rain, a very soaked me was handed the free newspaper. I accepted, then remember, shit, now you're obligated to tip. She's a nice lady, she stands there every morning. I shrugged when she asked me if I had any change and then dug in my pockets.
"It's fresh from the closet," I said apologetically. She laughed in a good natured way. Then I turned and  ran into a man while waiting to cross Sheridan Rd. He asked me if I was a Taurus, to which I replied yes. He showed me his Illinois state ID. May 18, same birthday as me. I told him so.
"You play sports?" he asked. I laughed and shook my head. "You've got the legs for it." I laughed again.
He told me something about his fingernails, then asked me if I was a smoker. "It was bad nail polish," I said defensively. (I currently have yellow nails stained from the dark red nail polish of last week.)
"Brittle," he replied.
True.
He told me he was a musician, "like the Beatles," and then proceeded to keep talking as I crossed the street. "My brother....KRS-One....rap artist...." I heard as the light changed and I walked away.

I'm going to miss mornings like that. I'm not quite sure that Denver will have them.

Monday, April 05, 2010

Anywhere, just to be.

Exhaustion has set in. I feel as though it's a Monday tradition.
I really do love to pack up and go, I'm learning. I love the feeling of being somewhere new. I've realized that I don't get stressed when I'm lost (which I'm also realizing doesn't happen often when I'm trying to get somewhere new) or when I'm somewhere I've never been before.
I'm quick to pick up on directions and to orient myself within a space.
I enjoy new places and changes of pace. I find it exhilarating and calming.
I am my own person and I am in my own space. I have no future and no past, only present. Only conversation and today.
I would like to explore that feeling more.

This is, of course, the complete opposite of the segment of my personality that cannot handle change. I think that it's only the future and permanent change that throws me. Perhaps I'm not as much of a homebody as I had once thought. As long as it's not something I'll have to do often, I'm fine. I like being transient and anonymous, unnoticed.
The first day of school still terrifies me, as does getting a job. But that's what's in store for me. The settling, to a certain degree.
But passing through seems just fine to me.


I'll go anywhere, just to be.
I've been through you
Worked and worked so hard to maintain,
create a life,
build one,
then to run away.
Nothing left behind,
a whisper, maybe,
but certainly no other trail in my wake.
Time, the imprint of what once was
Remains.
Sustained solely by thoughts and feelings.
Those fade too, replaced
by thoughts and feelings.
Emotions that beget emotions
that upset, then force regret,
then, finally, if only to forget.
It's the forgotten ones you've got to be careful of.
Mind them, just like the gap,
until you're just as lost and
nothing's left.
Are you safer than you were before?
Running from the sea
to the middle of the nowhere,
the dead center of that
folded, crumpled map.
Not even sand, the sand that made the shore
left in the indents at the bottom of your shoes.
Gone like those little grains
that held and clung,
transported as if my magic
somewhere else.
New home, to them, is where you left them be.
Days pass.
Shattered glass picked up to go a thousand different ways.
Sweep, sweep, swept.
I'll slip through time 
in the past tense. 
You're lost, I'm gone and nothing's left.
Again, again, repeat, regress.



Forgive me for that ill-fated attempt. I've not written poetry in awhile, but it slipped out and I let it go.

Thursday, April 01, 2010

Life as a lady, or something like it.

In a world full of women, it's interesting to think how many of us are completely controlled by our synthetic hormones.
I know I am.
I can predict what days I'm going to cry. Today is that day. Although I have not cried, I've noticed an incredible drop in mood. It's interesting, probably, to watch the way we react.
I personally dislike it and can't wait for the day that I am not ruled by medical creations, but for the time being, it serves some necessarily normalizing purpose.

I'm upset tonight. I'm hurt. I'm tired. I'm scared.
I'm a million different emotions that I can't quite put a finger on.

I've been feeling invalid lately, which is to say that I'm not feeling validation from any aspect of my life. Not romantically, not career-wise, not motivationally, with friends, etc. I'm stagnant and terrified about it. Of course, when I get scared, I shut down.

There are times like this, obviously. This is what makes life life. These are the learning periods, the times when things are ironed out, when one becomes self-sustaining. Learn, I keep telling myself. Grow and blossom out of this shit. But growing and blossoming are hard, even though I have enough manure around me to seemingly sustain myself for life.

But it's all rough and disheartening.

I'm embarrassed by my inability to move past certain things. It's time. Everything is time but I wish I could fast forward. But then I'd miss so much. So here I am, embracing the roller coaster I've put myself on. Allowing it to creep up, slowly, cresting and then falling. Let's free fall into the next solid up of life, and then let's watch this all begin again.

You're never exactly where you think you are.

I tried on my cap and gown tonight. I look absurd.

I went to the bookstore. I love books. I will never own enough books. I can't even be mad at myself when I spend money on literature. There's no reason that one should chide oneself for wanting to invest in words. Knowledge. Art in the best form. I'm excited. I'm glad for tonight's solitude, it's given me the long awaited opportunity to curl up and read.

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Why I hate Black History month

Before I begin, I need to impart some important information: 55 whole grain Goldfish crackers only have 150 calories.
Secondly, I love my cat. Even if he only loves me because I feed him, I feel as though the feeling is mutual. We've become fast friends. He's having a biting issue at the moment though. When we snuggle, which he seems to enjoy, he likes to playfully bite me. The problem is that being bitten isn't quite so fun as you might think.
I had this whole post typed out at the library yesterday morning and then I logged into Gmail to check an email and the entry got deleted. This is round two. Not pleased, I'm not pleased. But nonetheless:

This is the post I've meaning to get around to since February, if not before.
At last, we've arrived at the intersection of race and gender in class and I find that it's pertinent now more than ever to discuss the issues that rise out of our cultural consciousness to permeate through our sense of being and direct each and every one of us in our outward behavior.
It's something that I've noticed lately, being as inundated with theory as I am. Women's struggles are often related to the struggle of the Black American. True, there are struggles there, but I'm always fundamentally annoyed by the comparison.
Anyway. Yesterday we watched a film about the portrayal of black men in hip hop. The portrayal of masculinity seen through the music videos shows that power comes through money, intimidation, violence and women.
The artists themselves agree that it's all a front, that the posturing that they're doing has more to do with their image and sales than it does with their actual experiences.
At a hip hop convention in Florida, young women walk around in short shorts and bikini tops, upset that the young men are aggressively harassing them; touching them and grabbing at them. The police do very little. Talking about the lyrics that refer to women as "bitches" or "hos," one woman says that she knows those lyrics aren't about her.
So who are they about?
White suburban kids who listen to rap music are interviewed. One of them says "colored people." The interviewer, shocked, asks him, "Did you seriously just say 'colored people'?"
Another group of white students say that rap music gives them a chance to get into another culture, to understand the ways that other people live. They also say that rap music upholds stereotypes.
Wait. That doesn't even make sense. Those two statements don't belong together.
This is where the racism begins to filter in. Race consciousness is all too obvious in our society, especially in Chicago.
But let's start with an example.
On the train one day, a group of young black teenagers are causing a disturbance. Generally being loud and obnoxious. Passengers glare at them. I'm glaring at them. They assume that it's because they're black and say so. I disagree. It's not because you're black; it's because you're annoying. I would have been equally annoyed by any group of people, age, race, gender, whatever being obnoxious on the train.
I understand that certain groups of people have disadvantages, but I think it has more to do with access to education and socio-economic status than it does skin color.
I hate Black History month. By continuing to highlight difference, we are making it impossible to live as people of all colors. Instead, we are segregating subtly as we attempt to counteract years of racism in the country. I understand why things such as that were a good idea at one time. But they are no longer relevant in our society.
To move forward, we must embrace each other as people not as skin colors. Instead, we're in a holding pattern. We've got segregation in the schools (Chicago is one of the worst cities for diversity among schools) that leads to the inability of groups of people to interact with each other. We've got segregation in our cities. We've got misinformation being spread around. We've got stereotypes. We've got a whole mess on our hands and the only way to fix it is to move past it.
Seems impossible.
Quite right, but it might not be.
I'm sick of race being used as a crutch. I wasn't born white on purpose. I just was. You weren't born Asian on purpose. You just were. It's not your fault. It's not my fault. Don't hate people for being a skin color or a race that they had no part in choosing. I'm sick of hearing that your skin color prevents you from doing something. You're letting yourself be put into a box.
True, as white woman I cannot claim to fully understand certain aspects of the race issues in our country since I am part of the hegemonic description. But I have been a victim of both sexism and ageism, as well as countless other isms. So when I speak of the problems, I'm speaking of moving toward acceptance of all people.  Don't blame your actions on your race.
Grandpa Joe always says that you are who you associate with. You absolutely are. Chances are, people aren't afraid of you based on your skin color, they're afraid of you based on the way you look. Trust me, I know this. Now that I'm no longer black haired and outwardly angst-ridden, I get treated much differently than I did before.
It might be because you're sketchy in your baggy jeans and hooded sweatshirt. It might be because you won't make eye contact. It might be because you're lurking in an alley at night. It's probably not your skin. It's probably your generally creepy self.
Ghetto is not the only option of outward appearance, just as rap music does not define an entire culture.
This month's Esquire magazine had comments from a story that appeared last month. "Blagojevich thinks because he grew up poor, cleaning shoes, he is blacker than Obama, and then Taddeo describes Jay-Z as 'black black'? Statements like these do nothing but perpetuate stereotypes. Let's not forget that black people have varying interests, personalities, cultures, and yes, socioeconomic classes." -Mel McKenzie.
Also, "I'm black, and I grew up in an inner city in the Midwest. I never sold drugs, didn't curse, and I never followed urban fashion. I listen to alternative, grunge, rock, reggae and R&B. I eat quinoa more frequently than fried chicken. But I guess that means I'm not 'black black.' Jay-Z's story is interesting enough without stereotyping an entire diverse community." -B. Doutherd. 
Anyway, it's not just a black-white thing. It's an everything thing.
We can never ignore our races. They're what make us unique. They're what define us as human beings. But let's stop letting race get in the way of progress as people. Let's be black. And white. And all the colors in between.
But realistically, that can't happen unless we start to change the way we think.


I hope I got it all. Probably not.

Monday, March 29, 2010

Metaphor Metamorphosis

I hate metaphors. I'm filling this post with them unintentionally.
I feel as though my life is reminiscent of the Colorado weather: give me 20 minutes, and I've completely changed my mind.
This time, it's nothing that drastic. You might even call it rational.
But I've never made a rational decision in my life, so perhaps not.
Business school is not off the table. It's actually very much on the table, so much so that it might be the table. (I hate metaphors that can't or won't end.)
I just need more time. I want to make sure that my math skills are on par with the rest of the world so that I might have a fighting chance. (For some reason, I always type "change" instead of "chance" and vice versa.)
So, the GMAT book is still being pored through, yet I am not preparing to take the test until at least the fall. I've even considered the possbility of getting an outside tutor.
I've come to see myself as headstrong lately; had I made this realization earlier, my life could have been made very much easier. I never want to ask for help or advice. And if I do, I'm not actually listening to what you're saying, I've already made up my mind.
At least now I understand that.
I'm going to buiness school, I would just like to have some time to make some flashcards and get some more math in me before I do so.
I am terrible at math. Learned helplessness, but actually maybe not. Long division was the first sign of trouble. I never told anyone that. You shouldn't either, fifth grade Katie will be very hurt. Pre-algebra. Geometry. It's geometry that gets me. I don't get it.
But. To succeed at getting into business school without really trying, you at least have to understand your math. And alas, I find myself up a creek without a paddle. I'd like to get a paddle, so I'm going to take some classes at Metro (maybe) or get a private tutor (definitely, but with reservations. We can't forget the effects of private direction on a young mind. Vern and his mole, anyone?) in order to be prepared to take the test and improve my score in the fall.
I can do a lot with business school and I've long been seduced by the lure of the corporate world. (Men in suits, anyone? If that's not enough, I have a strange love of office supplies - I'll blame my mother for that one - and a strong desire to lead a life of structure - something that the 9-5 could help with.) None of those answers will be going into my "Where do you see yourself in ten years?" or "Why do you think business school is a good fit for you?" essays.


For now, I'm settling myself to the idea of being back in Denver. I'm terrified. Part of me thinks I should stay in Chicago, but I've lived here for four years knowing that I won't stay here, so I've not established any realistically permanent roots. Going home will be nice because I have my family, but other than that, I've not got much. Making friends will come in time, I'm sure. (Unless it doesn't and then I die a cat lady at the age of 23, but that's realistically not going to happen, probably.) 

Anyway, the logistics of the move have yet to be ironed out and I'm getting a little bit antsy about it. But time will tell. In all honesty, I'm just going to end up selling stuff (hopefully) or breaking down all my shelves, etc and throwing them in the back of a hastily acquired moving van. 
Excitement, fear, dread, anxiety, relief, hope....my god, it's an emotional stew over here. 


The melancholy waxes and wanes like a tide. Last night, news came to me from the lips of the person who had set it in motion, and I felt my heart collapse a tiny bit. I don't regret my decision, not for a moment. Child bride, indeed. But I feel sometimes that I've lost the ability to find someone suitable. I find myself not projecting outwardly my inner being. I'm more than what I look like. I'm not sure if it's  confidence issue caused by the transitory period I'm in or if it's more than that. Perhaps I am plain (both in outward appearance and in personality) and unsuitable to date, lacking in grace and charm, not to mention social fluidity, but I'd prefer to blame my current situation. Stress and the post-graduate, it will be called. It will be a memoir for posterity. 


Ugh, and onward with the ever-upping stack of assignments and duties. My room has lost any hope of resembling that of a sane woman, and instead speaks of post-hurricane destruction (without the mold and rotting things, of course). Focus. Focus. Focus. These are the words I wish I could hear. 

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Drastic Change and a Newly Minted Five Year Plan

It hit me like a ton of bricks. Life is funny; there's always a reason for everything. Of course, the conference in Boston reaffirmed everything I couldn't quite figure out. Curiosity about the professional world, the realization that a degree in Communications won't do much for me and a romance novel that can't seem to get past twenty pages because I'm constantly distracted have led me to a simple answer:
Business school.
Terrified about my future, I have realized that there's nothing I'd like more than to be in school longer. But legitimate school. Purposeful and focused. Who cares about gender studies?
I'm dropping my third minor unless I can figure something out, but other than that, all should be well. I've emailed the department, hoping for a resolution of some sort.
The possibility of getting a dual MBA/MS in Marketing for under $25,000 exists.  (How sweet would that be?)
I've been afraid because I thought it was all math. It can't be all math. And I can emphasize philanthropic marketing so I'll still be able to do some of the social work aspects (sort of, but not really) in my future life.
More details to come as I figure out what the hell I'm doing.  (The application deadline is June 1. Let's get this one in way before, so I'll know.)
Ha, I bet I'm the only person preparing to take the GMAT at the end of March/early April.
This time I'm not going to tell anybody, except you dear readers, for fear of being rejected again. (I really don't get rejected often. It hurts. I'm not a fan.) But CU Denver, where I've decided to apply, shouldn't reject me unless I screw up on the GMAT, which I won't. Hopefully. I've never gotten a bad grade on a standardized test in my life.

*

My Tuesdays and Thursdays are my busiest days but they're also my favorite days of the week. I have a break between 9:45 and 11:30, so I go to the Information Commons (the library at Loyola) and sit in one of the leather chairs overlooking the lake. You might also remember this as the place where the body was discovered back in November.

I came to Loyola four years ago based on a hunch that I had, a feeling that I got while I was standing not far from where I'm sitting now, looking out over Lake Michigan. I still feel the same way. I love the way the water seems endless. I love the way it changes colors, from gray to green to the deepest blue. I love the power, the solitude...I love the hours that I get to spend here. I don't think I've spent nearly enough.

Either way.
I've been procrastinating. Spanish test in a few hours and my favorite, Virginia Woolf, next.
(Surprisingly, that wasn't sarcasm.)

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

More rambling and a titch of life analysis

After a sleepless night, I woke ready to face the world. That's a lie. I hit the sleep button for over an hour while I held Cat and tried not to think about my upcoming statistics test.
However, I got the notecard completed and then went and took the test. My tired self wrote "without replacement" and then again, "without replacement" without thinking, so for the first half of the test, I was doing all the without replacement problems incorrectly. After a brief moment of panic, during which I frantically looked down at my notecard, I realized that my powers of observation and innate intelligence are stronger than my fear, and I corrected myself and the problems on the paper.
And so I'm predicting a high B on the test. It is probably the most ironic thing in the world that of all of my classes, I think the only one that I have a solid A in right now is Stats. I love the class. I love the teacher's charismatic style and I love the fact that we have no book. I've gotten all of my homework in and I aced the first test. (It's funny, when I get a low A, I get really annoyed that it's not higher. If only that could work for B and C work that I've been turning in lately.)

I have purchased my cap and gown! Graduation, here I come! (Commencement, rather.)

Post-convention news: I've been thrown into a self-depricating tailspin of terror about the future. I need to remind myself to breathe. I am still a real person who matters, despite the fact that I'm nothing but a soon-to-be-college graduate with no tangible resume to speak of (besides the PR gig, the extensive babysitting, although it's called child care...or actually, maybe even something better on my resume and the DQ. I need to boost volunteer work). That said, I need to focus on daily life rather than the future and on small accomplishments for the time being.

And so, I am going to tackle tomorrow. I'm going to embrace homework and attempt to hear back from the Chicago Public Schools.
I've got a meeting set up for Friday with a social worker for my doomed Social Work class. That actually might be interesting and fun. I'm going to help her cook for Passover.
I've got two stories due on Monday. The CPS is the most horrible group to deal with and I hate them. Also, none of their information is public. Thus, I've been unable to get access to write the stories that I need to write. I've also got a rewrite due. Excellent.
Babysitting a lot this weekend for my newest family. I really enjoy them, actually, so it shouldn't be hard at all. (Also, desperate for cash.)
Tomorrow is always my long day, and I have a Spanish test and homework due. A rewrite of my midterm for Social Work (ugh, APA format is going to kill me as is my professor's miserable and illegible handwriting). Getting my Hemingway paper back. It was only after I had turned it in that I realized I neglected to mention the title of the novel anywhere, however, I did allude to it in both my title and introduction.
Ugh frazzled brains need to neglectful academics. (This is my fault, I am well aware.)

Ah, the weekend. Let's begin the big push toward the end of the semester and end on a high note.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Boston, Massachusetts. (Or Why Maddie Needs to Move Here)

I knew nothing of Boston before I came here.
That's a lie. I knew a few things: it was the site of the Boston Tea Party, it's home to Harvard and the Celtics and the people here love their baseball and have the most hilarious accents.
We had a bit of trouble befriending the stewardesses on the flight out. Something about the orange bag not fitting in the overhead compartment and then me dropping my glass bead bracelet. Anyway, we were served complimentary cold coffee. I laughed when I took my first sip, which the flight attendant of course overheard. And then after my first use of an airplane bathroom is a few years, I accidentally opened the door on her.
Great.
We landed just after midnight. The cab ride to the hotel involved tunnels that looked a lot like the Eisenhower tunnel, just a lot longer. We went to a bar called Whiskeys in the Back Bay area and enjoyed ourselves immensely for the hour that the bars were still open.
A friend of mine told me that the men in Boston would be really sweet, and they were. I was asked out on a date by a guy that I met in line at one of the bars that we went to. And by date, he wanted to do dinner and then a walk through Boston Commons (think giant old park). Adorable.
But alas, my trip was not a dating adventure. It was just a pure adventure.
The rain started yesterday morning. Maddie and I were exhausted after a night of late bowling the night before. I love business people. I know this seems strange, but the idea of entering the business world exhilarates me. Perhaps I shall give it a try after graduation. Something about suits. I love men in suits and I love the way I look in a suit. I feel like everyone I met this weekend was an engineer, which fits into my new life plan which involves no actors/artists/white rappers/philosophers as lovers. (If you've ever seen the tv show "Dharma and Greg," you'll understand that I'm Dharma and I'm trying to find my Greg.)
I got to pretend (for a very quick minute) that I worked for Xcel Energy and talk to random people from other utilities and random clients. I also have a new pair of bowling shoes courtesy of Lucky Strike Boston.
We went to see a movie because we realized there was no way were were going to walk around all day in the rain. We saw "She's Out of My League." Don't see it. It's terrible. And then we snuck into "Alice in Wonderland." Better by far. Much better. Tim Burton's gothic elements really put a nice spin on the classic, and they did it out of the original story. We had to get 3D glasses out of the recycle bin. It was hilarious and the perfect way to spend an afternoon.
Madeline and I tried to find trivia. We finally did that yesterday after sneaking onto the concierge's computer at the hotel (because they were trying to charge $7 for 15 minutes of internet) and printing my boarding passes (3 of them, just in case).
Last night, after exploring Harvard and the Cambridge area, we cabbed it to the south side of Boston (not far from our hotel) to do trivia. Best shepherd's pie I've ever eaten, hands down. It was amazing. We got third in trivia (not bad, but we had help from the bartender) and then proceeded to get absolutely ridiculous. At some point during the evening, we ended up having a row with a man about the Patriots. Lessons learned: don't ever call them cheaters on their own turf and don't insult big Bill B.
Also, don't do shots with strange names like "Duck Farts," which were gifted to us by men at the bar.
Boston is surprisingly chivalrous. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing, either un-progressive or very old fashioned.
There was cab-hailing in the rain.
There was sleep and Lifetime movies.
This morning, we went to a diner and had mimosas and french toast and then I packed.
My flight was two hours delayed.
On the plane (I flew Southwest....we'll blog about them later), I sat in the aisle and was joined by a man. We started talking. He had two drink coupons. We had whiskey. We spent the entire flight talking. Boston, Catholics, schools, Catholic schools, priests, college, English, punctuation, mathematics, Tarot cards, the Enneagram, bondage, rain, umbrellas, his hatred of flying, Dairy Queen, (you can tell that I talk too much based on subject matter alone), Reuters, Frontier, Alaska, reality tv, hoarders, everything.
He shook my hand and made fun of my eighty pound backpack.
The train ride home was slow due to mechanical malfunctions.
I was so happy to see my beautiful cat. He's been renamed Van the Action Cat. I love him dearly.

And thus begins the final chapter of my last official semester of college.
Oh and did I mention I'm legitimately sick? Like the common cold. Stricken.
I'll draw conclusions and analyze tomorrow. Tired.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Incomplete Boston post

We arrived in Boston at about midnight, then made it to the hotel, where we rendezvoused (this computer doesn't have spell check and god forbid I spelled that wrong) with Aunt Judy and then went out to find some fun. We were at the bar a total of an hour and we had a blast.
Today, we are checking out of the hotel here and then moving to a different one. We're hoping to see Boston Commons this afternoon and check out a graveyard. I love old graveyards in cities. The ones in Philadelphia were some of the best that I've seen in my life.

Airplanes. I'm just not on board, so to speak, with Southwest. Their system and I are incompatible. Madeline and I got in with our carry-ons and then attempted to shove them up into the baggage compartments.
Alright, enough for now. Leaving.

Friday, March 19, 2010

Babbling.

The rough week has come to an end.
I have barely survived and it seems that my exhaustion knows no bounds. How tired can one person get? I may attempt to find out.
I sleep well last night, not nearly long enough though.
I was about to sit down and write one of those, "I am in love with Chicago" sort of posts, but perhaps I shall save that for a later date.

Prayers for Mom, please.
This is instead going to be a post of gratitude. I don't talk about my support systems nearly enough. I love my family and I appreciate everything that they do. And by everything, I mean everything. It makes me smile to know that I have a set of "other grandparents" who love me just as much as Grandmas Mary and Al and Grandpa Joe do. I love knowing that Aunt Sally and Grandma will take good care of Mom this weekend and today. For the record, I did not stress that much about the surgery this time around.
Also, I love Mike. He's the best brother anyone could ask for. I know that if I ever need anything, I can call him and he'll help me in any way he can. He may not tell me he loves me often, but I don't have to hear it, I just know it.

I'm sorry. I can't focus when I'm tired.
I'm meeting Madeline downtown for dinner and drinks and then we're headed to the airport. Our flight leaves at 8:45 central time and we'll land in Boston at 11:55 ET.
I'm bringing my computer and hoping to get some work/writing done while I'm away.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Smashing Words on the Screen

Oh how the weeks fly by.
Monday night was insane. The story is too wild to tell until I have the pictures to back it up. Champagne bar (too expensive, so we bailed), then the Kerryman and the Fados and then god only knows where. Once again, we hailed toward the sounds of thumping bass and flashing lights.
There were twisted ankles, cab rides, 4am pizzas, mashed potatoes, sleep.
Then Tuesday came.
And went.
Work. Babysitting for three different families three different days.
Tomorrow a paper is due. I'm nearly done, hanging on the edge of my sanity.
Tomorrow starts early and ends late. Not done with class until 930.
Friday, please, Friday.
Flight is at 845. 845. 845.
Need it.
Let it come.
To love, to live, to be eternally annoyed by stupid men.
To sleep, perchance to dream.
I've had terrible dreams lately. Nothing left but a return to where I don't want to be. Myself, my mind exploring things that should not be. Even dream Katie doesn't want to return to him in the end.

And Hemingway rounds out my list of annoying men, writing and writing and making me read it and then consider it:
"Remember everything is right until it's wrong. You'll know when it's wrong." "You think so?" "I'm quite sure. If you don't, it doesn't matter. Nothing will matter then."

Monday, March 15, 2010

Seven weeks to graduation

Made it home safely. The flight was relatively uneventful. TSA gave me no problems trying to get the printer through security; they didn't even make me open the box.
The people next to me were Debbie-Downers the whole time - frustrated about having to gate check their bags, trying to get free tv out of it; frustrated that we left half an hour late; frustrated, blah blah. I did my usual: pull out my sweatshirt, throw it on the tray, put my face in it, sleep.
Of course, my eyelashes are a mess after this sort of nap and any attempts to rectify my appearance as the flight draws to a close are usually thwarted by my inability to conquer the strange curls and bends that have occurred.
Maddie came to pick me up in Simon and we went to have him washed (he hasn't had a wash since June 2009 and sorely needed one). While we were there, I asked the towel dryer if he could get the spray paint off. He produced a razor and began scraping. I am now 95% spray paint free. The one place he couldn't get was the place where the doors close together, since that part isn't glass.
I gave him $8.
Cat was thrilled to see me. We snuggled all night, took a good catnap this afternoon. He loves it when I hold his back feet while we're sleeping, so I did. I was trying to type an assignment this evening and he kept climbing all over me and stepping on my computer and rubbing against me. I was so happy to see him. He loves the new toy that we got from Jeanie.
Katie's in town tonight. Of course, I do not need to be going out. I should be at home catching up on my assignments. But I'm going out.
We're staying downtown, right by the river, across from the bar where Maddie and I infamously rapped Jay-Z's "99 Problems" at karaoke one night. This will be exciting.
Tomorrow night, Wednesday afternoon and Thursday afternoon: babysitting. Three different days, three different families, lots of cash for Boston.
Paper due Thursday.
Someone ate my chicken nuggets while I was gone. I know this because the bag was unzipped. Annoyed.
Maddie and I have decided to get in shape now that we are both single and ready to embrace the world. I'll be interested to see how it goes. I'm excited to craft my adult self and believe that a good regimen will do me good.

Wish me luck tomorrow. It's going to be a LONG day.
This week looks stressful, but I'm alright with it. I'm worried about that paper, discussing Herculine Barbin and Hemingway's Garden of Eden. Hopefully discussing it intellectually, desperate for an A. (Not desperate, but wouldn't it be nice?)


These are advanced reporting notes. I'm multitasking, as usual:
1. Noodling Around
-history
-scopre
-reasons ---follow the money
-impacts
-countermoves
-futures
2. Setting Priorities
3. Reporting
-WiseMen (or women)
-PaperMen
-Rabbi (always knows somebody) --Catholic priests?


1. Immerse
2. Surface and Assess
3. Story Map
4. Reporting at Ground Level
5. Writing
6. Filling gaps

Advanced Reporting: Profile Piece


            John Pappas carries his enthusiasm for teaching with him to work each day, even though he’s been through the Chicago Public Schools system himself and has seen its ups and downs firsthand. He may be a fresh face at Perspectives/IIT Math and Science Academy, but in the short time he’s been there, he’s gained an understanding of the job requirements of teaching that will last him a lifetime.
             It's up to us to make sure that students are prepared, not only to go to college, but to graduate from college,” says Tony Seiden, the Director of College Counseling, on the Perspectives website. It’s this goal that makes Perspectives different than other Chicago public high schools. Perspectives boasts that 89 percent of students graduate, and of those, 92 percent go on to college. This statistic is much higher than the Chicago Public Schools average, which shows that in 2009, the five-year graduation rate was only 54.5 percent, according to data provided by the Chicago Public School Office of Research, Evaluation and Accountability.
            But Pappas’ experience at Perspectives is strikingly different than the picture painted on the school’s website: a safe, respectful environment in which students thrive academically. According to Pappas, Perspectives follows a structure called “A Disciplined Life.” There are 26 principals that students must follow, including “seek wisdom,” “respect each other’s differences,” and “demonstrate a strong work ethic.”
            Again I’ll repeat the administrators do a great job trying to create this culture, but that is not the culture at the school. Many students don’t find school important to their lives and have this attitude that is has no place in their life,” says Pappas, while talking about the Perspectives mission and the students who are supposed to be following the 26 principals laid out by the Disciplined Life program.
            “I get frustrated with the administrators because they do a poor job disciplining the students and holding them accountable for their actions,” he says adamantly.
            Pappas is doing his student teaching at Perspectives throughout the spring semester and hopes to get a job teaching science in the Chicago Public Schools in the fall.  Because of this, the hours that he works are “longer than I ever anticipated.” On top of the work required for student teachers, including documentation for his supervisors at the Illinois Institute of Technology, where is pursuing his teaching degree, Pappas must also meet the requirements for Perspectives. “The school requires a lot from their staff. We are required to work longer hours than CPS teachers, and required to teach one more class than CPS teachers.”
            Pappas says, “in particular my lesson plans have to bring extremely detailed, and my prepping for lessons is intense. Since I teach a synergy class, which is a class that is focused around pure lab work, I find myself doing a lot of extra work to prepare for our labs.”
            But when Pappas begins to talk about what he teaches, his excitement is palpable. “I like working with students and doing science. I love science and I love kids so it a good combination. There are times where the students frustrate me but I quickly get over it. As a teacher you can let students get the best of you.” Pappas founded the Spanish club at his school and is also a member of the Earth club. Such extracurricular activities eat up his time, but he finds them enjoyable. At Perspectives, Pappas stays after school to offer homework help to the students.
            Not all of his experience has been positive, however. “Fighting is a big problem at our school. During my first two months I have broken up two fights between female students and have had another student walk up to me a throw a fake punch at me. The first week at the school a student brought a gun to school and this past week a student tried to kill herself in the bathroom.”
            While many of these are isolated incidents, the source of the problem is often systemic. Pappas, as a new teacher, struggles with classroom control, finding many of his students difficult to work with. “A lot of students find it acceptable to talk back to adults, and not show them any respect. My biggest problem with the students is them not following direction and constantly talking back when I ask them to do something,” he says. This situation can be frustrating to a new teacher, but Pappas is optimistic that he’ll be able to gain a variety of solutions for classroom management through his experience and through other teachers around him.
            Even though he works at one of the Chicago Charter Schools, Pappas also has experience doing clinical supervisions at Lane Tech, one of Chicago’s high schools. Even though Lane Tech is a drastically different environment than Perspectives, the mission statement seems to be in line with the goals laid out by Perspectives. “The Vision of Lane Tech College Prep High School is to provide all students with a superior academic, technical, and fine arts education that prepares students for success in their post-secondary endeavors of school, career, community and family life,” their website says.
            When asked to compare the two schools, Pappas replied, “Lane Tech is an exceptional school so I think it’s unfair to compare it to a school that has only been around for two years.” Lane Tech has been educating students for over one hundred years, and Pappas certainly makes a valid point.
            “Of course have instructional goals and daily goals that I want to meet, but really I just want to change these students’ lives. A lot of them are troubled and don’t have anyone to look up to, so I want to be that role model for these students. I know it’s kind of general," he says when asked about his goals for his future as a teacher.
            An article published in Newsweek magazine dated March 15 states, “What really makes a difference, what matters more than the class size or the textbook, the teaching method or the technology, or even the curriculum, is the quality of the teacher.” John Pappas certainly seems to have that certain spark that can light a fire in a child’s mind and inspire a lifelong love of education. 

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