I was halfway productive today. I make chicken salad with grapes and celery and tarragon and then put it on a sandwich with some cranberry sauce spread (freshly made!) and lettuce. It was delicious. I felt really proud of myself for turning frost-bitten chicken into food. Really proud.
I've decided that I want to start cooking to sort of give myself some new meaning. I've always really wanted to do it and now that I have so much free time, I want a new hobby.

Hunter and I officially actually ended things today. It's just not something that's going to fix itself. I won't say much, but I deserve someone who wants to work to be with me and who challenges me to be a better person, mentally, socially, etc.

I am having pre-Thanksgiving tomorrow night. I bought a turkey. Oh dear, it's going to be an interesting day tomorrow. Something tells me I'm going to be defrosting the turkey in the bathtub tomorrow morning. Apparently, it needs like three days to defrost. Great. Learned that 30 hours before it's being served. So I'm going to have to come up with a plan.

Cannot wait to be home.

blah, blah, blah,

I'm currently in the middle of writing a short film. It's about a fertility-challenged couple. The wife has an affair, and surprise, ends up pregnant (because it's totally his fault they can't have children) and then they have to deal with it. Is it a blessing or a curse? I don't know yet. I'm only at page 13. I'll let you know when I get there.

So Ireland might be out for spring break. I might go alone, though. That could be an interesting adventure. Something tells me Mom won't go for that, but trust me, the Irish is/are worth the trans-Atlantic flight. We are for sure going in the summer. I will sell all of my possessions (except Simon, he's mine) to get there. I'm fixated.

So excited to get my new computer. In all honesty, the whole week has been spent either fixated on the break up with Hunter (of course we're trying to figure it out. He loves me. I love him. We just don't work anymore. So we're trying to work), Ireland (one of the reasons we're not working, my god, he's perfect) and my brand new computer! I still haven't decided what I'm going to name it. The last one was Fluffy. This one might be Leonard.

Steel Magnolias in the theater is just as effective as it was on film. Cried my eyes out. Sobbed like a child. Snot on my sleeves sobbed. Man, if Mom ever needed a kidney, I couldn't give her one. I'd totally sell mine though, so that's a plus. Maybe it would help.

Took a nap earlier and consequently am not tired at 1:30am. Need to be up at 7, so I do believe I should get to bed. Can't. Still writing my affair script. Not putting it all together properly, but it's a start.

Like the Bus

As if in an instant, there was nothing left of me.
My shell floats from room to room,
back and forth, away again,
as though it wants to be somewhere.
The hollow feeling centers me.
Still. Solid as a cold stone statue,
made immobile by man,
as I was.
Wind and cold register inside my home,
I feel them but then I don't.
The only hurt is my eye,
I've forgotten about my heart,
is it still curled there, somewhere?
Twisted inside layers of deep flesh;
it was once, I remember.
How can it hurt this much?
It shouldn't.
Saw it coming, like the bus.
Stepped on, stepped off
now lying dead gathering road dust.
Crushed.
Rendered motionless.
Surrounded by the present,
surrendering to the past or future,
either, both, at once.
First kisses, children, little smiles,
shoulders warm, now cold.
Heartbreak.
Stomachache.
The shattering of everything.
Cold insistence.
Selfish pain.
Blind panic, terror.
Tears came all day,
they wouldn't stop, they came every way.
Off the tip of my nose, round my cheeks,
over chapped pink lips to fall off my chin.
They didn't stop.
They fled down my shoulders, my pillows, my fingertips.
They fell, there's nothing left.