Some unexpected developments.
The life I am in the process of building has shattered yet again.
The pieces are scattered.
Not thinking.
Not processing.
Not yet.
Tomorrow.
Until then, my dreams are laid away.
Let's just be a little wild, just for tonight.
No time to think of consequences.
Push forward.
Find hope.
Smile.
It could be worse....
Friday, January 27, 2012
On Mr. Beast in the Morning
I'm way too busy at work right now to even think about posting something legitimate. But I've been having some serious thoughts, so be excited.
Anyway, for your viewing pleasure, my son Carlos.
Dear lord, I love him. February 10th will mark our two-year adoption anniversary!
Anyway, for your viewing pleasure, my son Carlos.
Dear lord, I love him. February 10th will mark our two-year adoption anniversary!
Thursday, January 26, 2012
On Skinny
Perhaps you've noticed that I'm looking sort of bony these days.
I'm usually a pretty slender person. Solid, but slender.
I started dropping weight and didn't even notice. Of course, there were signs: The funeral back in December. My black dress that normally looks stunning on me just hung there, a sad sack of cloth on a frame. The fact that my pants weren't fitting - I thought it was just cheap detergent. It really hit me when I went to buy new pants. I grabbed my usual size and put them on. Nope, no way. The pants were hanging off me. Grabbed a smaller size. Put those on. Nope. So here I am, ten pounds lighter than my normal, wearing tiny pants that are way smaller than anything I've ever worn and rocking a fiercely sharp clavicle, while mourning the loss of my South Africa boobs. (I ate so much custard to grow them!)
Now before you cry "eating disorder!", let me explain.
I'm still within what the CDC considers a healthy weight range. [That is totally stretching the truth. My body mass index (BMI) is hovering at around 18.5, the very bottom edge of "healthy." But it still counts!] I went in last week and my doctor told me not to lose any more weight. (As I type this, there is a quarter pounder in my hand. Gross, but effective.)
So why all of this weight loss?
In September, I had my yearly performance review at work. My only negative was "focus," but in our meeting, my boss jokingly told me that he was sure that the only thing that would ever fix that was medication. But a larger raise was out of the question based on the lack of focus affecting my work. This really hit home for me, obviously. (My boss in high school used to tell me that I had the attention span of a golden retriever, so this "focus" issue is not a new thing.)
I decided to talk to my doctor about it. It was an oddly confrontational meeting. I underwent two horrible days of testing with a psychologist who looks exactly like Tobias Funke from Arrested Development. When I see him, it's seriously very hard for me not to throw out Tobias quotes.
The testing was lame, but the psychologist is hilarious and amazing. As it turns out, I have zero learning disabilities (they include that in testing to rule everything out), am at or slightly above average at math (this is the scariest part of that - if I'm average, how bad can it get?), have insanely awesome phonemic awareness, and am a classic case of combined-type ADHD.
The ADHD diagnosis did not come as a shock, although I'm now wondering how I ever managed to get anything accomplished before.
So we began the time-honored tradition of messing around with medication. Let me tell you a few things: Ritalin is the scariest thing ever. Probably worse than meth. Actually, no. I just did a quick search for meth billboards and they're very clear that meth is so much scarier than Ritalin. Sort of. Anyway, I took it for like three weeks, I think. Horrid. My resting heart rate was 120 beats per minute. I was super cracked out and jumpy. All very attractive qualities, I assure you.
So we switched. I'm very happy with my new meds, but I am learning that I seriously hate dealing with UnitedHealthcare more than anything. They're a bunch of dicks who sit in a room laughing about the problems of the people who pay them insane amounts of money only to have nothing covered. They've denied my coverage for my meds because I'm over 18, because they don't want me to get generic, and so on down their list of excuses. So I'm paying out of pocket. And silently cursing them while I wait to re-file my claim.
The side effects of the new meds are relatively few, except for the pesky eating problem. It hurts me to eat. I have little to no interest in food. So I've been trying to creative about getting calories. I'm working on it. I spoke to a friend who was also late-in-life (ha) diagnosed with ADHD and she said that after a little while, it'll be easier. It's starting to be a little bit better. Last night, I was starving. All I wanted was Indian food. So I went and got some and it was perfect. (The leftovers are languishing in the backseat of my car. Gross. I should probably do something about that.)
The benefits far outweigh the negatives. I am so much more productive and focused at work. It feels good. I'm working harder and accomplishing tasks. Also, I'm making lists. Legitimate, color-coded, categorized lists. It's crazy and awesome. I keep a calender now. I'm still disorganized as all hell, but we're working on that. Baby steps
I'm usually a pretty slender person. Solid, but slender.
I started dropping weight and didn't even notice. Of course, there were signs: The funeral back in December. My black dress that normally looks stunning on me just hung there, a sad sack of cloth on a frame. The fact that my pants weren't fitting - I thought it was just cheap detergent. It really hit me when I went to buy new pants. I grabbed my usual size and put them on. Nope, no way. The pants were hanging off me. Grabbed a smaller size. Put those on. Nope. So here I am, ten pounds lighter than my normal, wearing tiny pants that are way smaller than anything I've ever worn and rocking a fiercely sharp clavicle, while mourning the loss of my South Africa boobs. (I ate so much custard to grow them!)
Now before you cry "eating disorder!", let me explain.
I'm still within what the CDC considers a healthy weight range. [That is totally stretching the truth. My body mass index (BMI) is hovering at around 18.5, the very bottom edge of "healthy." But it still counts!] I went in last week and my doctor told me not to lose any more weight. (As I type this, there is a quarter pounder in my hand. Gross, but effective.)
So why all of this weight loss?
In September, I had my yearly performance review at work. My only negative was "focus," but in our meeting, my boss jokingly told me that he was sure that the only thing that would ever fix that was medication. But a larger raise was out of the question based on the lack of focus affecting my work. This really hit home for me, obviously. (My boss in high school used to tell me that I had the attention span of a golden retriever, so this "focus" issue is not a new thing.)
I decided to talk to my doctor about it. It was an oddly confrontational meeting. I underwent two horrible days of testing with a psychologist who looks exactly like Tobias Funke from Arrested Development. When I see him, it's seriously very hard for me not to throw out Tobias quotes.
The testing was lame, but the psychologist is hilarious and amazing. As it turns out, I have zero learning disabilities (they include that in testing to rule everything out), am at or slightly above average at math (this is the scariest part of that - if I'm average, how bad can it get?), have insanely awesome phonemic awareness, and am a classic case of combined-type ADHD.
The ADHD diagnosis did not come as a shock, although I'm now wondering how I ever managed to get anything accomplished before.
So we began the time-honored tradition of messing around with medication. Let me tell you a few things: Ritalin is the scariest thing ever. Probably worse than meth. Actually, no. I just did a quick search for meth billboards and they're very clear that meth is so much scarier than Ritalin. Sort of. Anyway, I took it for like three weeks, I think. Horrid. My resting heart rate was 120 beats per minute. I was super cracked out and jumpy. All very attractive qualities, I assure you.
So we switched. I'm very happy with my new meds, but I am learning that I seriously hate dealing with UnitedHealthcare more than anything. They're a bunch of dicks who sit in a room laughing about the problems of the people who pay them insane amounts of money only to have nothing covered. They've denied my coverage for my meds because I'm over 18, because they don't want me to get generic, and so on down their list of excuses. So I'm paying out of pocket. And silently cursing them while I wait to re-file my claim.
The side effects of the new meds are relatively few, except for the pesky eating problem. It hurts me to eat. I have little to no interest in food. So I've been trying to creative about getting calories. I'm working on it. I spoke to a friend who was also late-in-life (ha) diagnosed with ADHD and she said that after a little while, it'll be easier. It's starting to be a little bit better. Last night, I was starving. All I wanted was Indian food. So I went and got some and it was perfect. (The leftovers are languishing in the backseat of my car. Gross. I should probably do something about that.)
The benefits far outweigh the negatives. I am so much more productive and focused at work. It feels good. I'm working harder and accomplishing tasks. Also, I'm making lists. Legitimate, color-coded, categorized lists. It's crazy and awesome. I keep a calender now. I'm still disorganized as all hell, but we're working on that. Baby steps
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| Source for this image linked here |
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
On Tuesday
There are those moments when everything is sailing along and then all of sudden, it's like the entire world begins to crumble, just enough to knock you off balance but not enough to really count as a legitimate disaster.
That's where we're at right now.
Work is the busiest that it's ever been. I've got pressing projects and deadlines looming over my shoulders, and simply not enough time to get anything and everything done.
Life is the same. I'm struggling to find the contentment that settled over everything at the beginning of the year. I want to re-engage it and channel my nervous energy into something productive, but I'm currently unable to get a handle on anything. And so I'm panicky, anxious, stressed, and edgy. I'm quite a joy to be around these days.
I'm hoping that a good dose of trivia tonight and some serious Jacob time tomorrow evening will produce a semblance of calm that will propel me through the week.
That's where we're at right now.
Work is the busiest that it's ever been. I've got pressing projects and deadlines looming over my shoulders, and simply not enough time to get anything and everything done.
Life is the same. I'm struggling to find the contentment that settled over everything at the beginning of the year. I want to re-engage it and channel my nervous energy into something productive, but I'm currently unable to get a handle on anything. And so I'm panicky, anxious, stressed, and edgy. I'm quite a joy to be around these days.
I'm hoping that a good dose of trivia tonight and some serious Jacob time tomorrow evening will produce a semblance of calm that will propel me through the week.
Monday, January 23, 2012
On Math.
I'm admittedly not the biggest fan of the Huffington Post, but you know, they're not all bad. Anyway, saw this article this morning.
I've been bad at math since about fourth grade. "Bad" is relative: on recent intelligence tests (I'll explain in a blog post soon), even my weaknesses measure at or above average. So "bad" at math isn't really that bad. But I'm still not great. However, finding out that I might be genetically inclined not to understand fractals and long division makes the grieving process (for my future as a geneticist or forensic scientist) much easier. Okay, so there's not really any proof of the gender gap, but I'm going to run with it: Damn you, double-X chromosomes and breasts! (Hah, mark this as the first time they've actually gotten in my way.)
I've been bad at math since about fourth grade. "Bad" is relative: on recent intelligence tests (I'll explain in a blog post soon), even my weaknesses measure at or above average. So "bad" at math isn't really that bad. But I'm still not great. However, finding out that I might be genetically inclined not to understand fractals and long division makes the grieving process (for my future as a geneticist or forensic scientist) much easier. Okay, so there's not really any proof of the gender gap, but I'm going to run with it: Damn you, double-X chromosomes and breasts! (Hah, mark this as the first time they've actually gotten in my way.)
Math Gender Gap Not Result of Girls' Low Self-Esteem, Researchers Say
First Posted: 1/19/12 09:47 AM ET Updated: 1/19/12 09:48 AM ET
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Are girls bad at math? From a talking Barbie doll saying "Math class is tough" to Larry Summers, the ex-President of Harvard University, speaking on the "different availability of aptitude," it's an issue that's seen plenty of controversy. As one of the most sensitive topics in education today, there's plenty of research on it, and even a body of research on the research.
A study to be published in Review of General Psychology, falls into the latter category. Its authors, David Geary of the University of Missouri and Giljsbert Stoet of the University of Leeds, find that if a gender gap in math test scores exists, it isn't a manifestation of the so-called "stereotype threat" theory, as many researchers seem to believe.
According to that theory, girls tend to perform worse on tests after they've been told they'll do poorly. Geary and Stoet found that past studies relying on the theory were flawed and lacking real evidence. This suggests that if girls are scoring worse than boys on standardized math tests, it's not because of their low self esteem.
According to that theory, girls tend to perform worse on tests after they've been told they'll do poorly. Geary and Stoet found that past studies relying on the theory were flawed and lacking real evidence. This suggests that if girls are scoring worse than boys on standardized math tests, it's not because of their low self esteem.
In other words, don't blame ditzy Barbie.
The new finding suggests that it might make sense to scale back social programs designed to counter the stereotype threat. As Geary noted:
“The stereotype theory really was adopted by psychologists and policy makers around the world as the final word, with the idea that eliminating the stereotype could eliminate the gender gap...However, even with many programs established to address the issue, the problem continued. We now believe the wrong problem is being addressed.”
Geary and Stoat make no contention about the gender gap itself. Their study makes a strong case for ruling out a self esteem-based explanation of the gender gap, but an increasing number of scientists believe the gender gap is illusory in the first place.
Recent years have brought mounting evidence against the idea that, other things being equal, women are worse at math than men. A 2011 study published in Psychological Bulletin found evidence of gender gaps in various countries, but noted that in some countries, such as Jordan and Bahrain, girls had the edge.
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