Blog Block Post #1

I've been having blog block lately. I have thoughts and then lose them.

We saw Sex and the City 2 tonight. I'm a longtime fan of the series and while not wildly excited to see the movie, I was interested. And so we saw it. It's adorable; the two and a half hours pass quickly. I found myself enjoying the storyline and although I have qualms about the racial undertones of the movie, I was willing to forgive them in order to suspend my disbelief and live in Carrie's fairytale world for awhile.
I didn't like the constant referring to the women's ordeals; I thought it wasn't addressed properly or thoroughly enough. I can see where the writer may have tried to bring it up, touch on it, without being racist, but I feel as though his intentions went awry somewhere along the line.
The movie was lovely. SatC always puts me in thought bubbles or sets of strange emotions, but tonight, it settled me. I love Charlotte's wardrobe; the look is timeless and beautiful.


I keep sitting down and waiting for thoughts to spill out like they have in the past, and it's just not happening.

I spent the past couple of days helping Maddie move out of her house. We drove down to Champaign so that she could store some of her things and then we looked at apartments. She found one that she liked while we were there, so that was lucky.
I've got about a month left in Chicago. And then after that, July shall be spent in odd transit, being held between two places and really living in neither. August will come quickly enough and then the future. Hopefully Mike's passport stuff can happen ASAP and then we can go to South Africa; if not, I shall be going it alone. I desperately need to do something. I need to find myself all over again. I need to regain my inner strength and develop some desperately needed self-confidence. After that, I shall return and begin building the life I'd very much like to lead.
blah blah blah, I'm just typing.

The Hawks won the hockey game tonight.

Hopefully I'll make it to the beach tomorrow and do some much needed relaxation and fiction reading.

Lost (not pertaining to any sort of mystical island, however)

I often wonder if Virginia Woolf and I would have gotten along splendidly.
Then I thank G/god that I never knew her.

I am remarkable at existing, I've discovered. In the times when I have very little to hope for (besides everything the future brings), the times that I find myself alone, I also find myself content, to a certain extent. And whenever I feel overwhelmed by the solitude, I think of that semester spent in Denver, the semester when I was very nearly alone (you're never quite alone, but you know what I mean). I was satisfied. I took long bike rides. I happen to enjoy long bike rides. My leg muscles enjoyed them as well.
And then I think about calling some of my friends. Friends exhaust me. I hate the upkeep, I really do. And thus, I'm terrified that I will spend the rest of my life alone.
I'm a horrible decision maker, if you haven't noticed.

I think once I get to Denver, it might be time to trade the mountain bike in for a road bike or one that is a combination of the two. Oh just get a better mountain bike and then actually go riding down mountains with it. People here judge the mountain bike when they see it.

I didn't get down to fight my parking ticket today, so I'm going to do it before I babysit tomorrow. \

I found out that they're officially official today.

Commentary on the population of my marketing class: tons of kids with curly hair, for some reason.
The professor is nearly seventy five years old but I have a feeling I'm going to like him even though the class looks as though it's going to be an endless exercise in patience and utter boredom. I stayed after class on Monday to talk to him about the economy because I'm the only sort-of-super-senior in the class and he was interested about my job prospects. So that's a good start.
He drones on and on, but I feel as though he's got a lot to say. So I'm listening.
Bad start, however: new edition of the book. $150. Great. The library doesn't have it, so I shelled out the money for it. But on the bright side, I'll either make probably half of it back selling it at the end of the semester or I'll be able to keep it to use it for grad school.
I need to find a math tutor in Denver for August on the off chance I take the GMAT before I depart for S. Africa. I'd like to start the application process and then hopefully start school during the fall semester of 2011. But who knows? I don't know where I want to go, but I'm assuming I'd like to stay in Denver. The University of Colorado at Denver program is looking better and better everyday. Cheap, as far as grad school goes.

Strange life

This is a mid-post edit to say that I've started writing like Hemingway in that I like to link sentences together with "and" and then just ramble. So sorry. Please think of it as an homage to a great writer (debatable) and don't think I'm someone who's taken very little time to write lately.
However:
I walked again today, choosing a route that would take me down the main streets that head north to south to the immediate west of the lake. It's strange to know that you're so close to one of the largest bodies of water in the world and yet you can't see it, can't feel it, don't really know it's there. If it weren't for all of the apartment building advertising lakeside living, you'd never know you were int he vicinity of a lake.
The city was hot today. It smelled like trash and water and people and hot concrete and exhaust and laundry and cooking food and everything I love.
I walked and there was chaos erupting around me and I went through it and away.
Elderly people ran across the sidewalk out of shadows to flag down a bus that didn't stop, driving past them up the road.
An old man holding a big cigarette of some sort walked past me at an intersection, obviously annoyed by my presence in his walking lane. He wore the white Reeboks so popular in his generation and those headphones that aren't attached to anything, but instead must be a radio of some sort. He smoked, he walked, he passed me and then I passed him, wading through the crowd of smoke and then I was gone and he was behind.
I walked and I walked and the sun shone down on me and the city moved around me and I moved in it. (This is where the above mid-post edit came into being.)
I've been alone lately and I'm not sure how I feel about it. I think I like it, but I'm not motivated, so I think I'm still just absorbing the alone time. I'm like that. Sometimes the decompression takes me a lot longer than I think it will. Sometimes I just need to do nothing (this includes not cleaning) to right myself in the world. Today I made some chicken salad with cranberries and apples and then did some dishes. I looked into applying at a temp agency in Chicago and then promptly got scared. Not quite the productive day I was hoping to have, but one I can live with.
I'm going to ask Madeline tonight how the process works to hopefully alleviate some of my fear. It's the fear. I just need to get over it. I need to get a nice business outfit, go on a few interviews, and find an office job doing ANYTHING. And then I'll feel comfortable and be more confident with my work ability.
Dairy Queen was a great job but it was also wildly detrimental to my professional development. I never had to interview, Todd hired me on the spot right after I turned in my application. The "interview" he gave me was basically asking me where I went to school and when I could start. I will never forget how terrified I was my first day on the job but I also got really comfortable really quick. My assimilation into the job was complete. Five years later, I still sort of worked there and now I"m finding myself without a lot of interview experience.
I often return to the interview I had my sophomore year of college at a place called Kim's Cupcakes in downtown Chicago. I didn't get the job. I often wonder what I did wrong, and I'm sure it was many things. But if I couldn't even get that job (selling over-priced cupcakes to rich people), how am I ever going to be able to get a legitimate professional position?
People always ask me what kind of job I want. I have no idea. I don't know job titles. I don't know positions that I qualify for. I don't know this or that or anything. And then I get scared. And the fear prevents me from taking a deep breath and realizing I'm just as qualified as anybody for anything. (not really, but you know what I mean, hopefully)
Tomorrow, I'm gathering up all of my gumption and marching down to the City of Chicago offices and demanding that they release me from the bonds of my ticket. I've been negligent and they've been assholes, and while that won't be my principal argument, it will weigh heavily on my mind as I shove my registration in their faces and make them read the plain English stamped on the back. "30 day grace period" will echo through the room and the heavy sound of justice being handed down will ring throughout the room, shocking everyone there. I'll walk out triumphantly, wearing a smile of patience and the city employees will remain behind, shaking their heads apologetically, as though my inconvenience was of their creation.
In reality, it won't be like that.
It will involve me practicing deep breathing techniques. It will involve me trying not to yell. It will involve dissolution of the ticket, though, no matter how hard I have to work for it.

While I was home, the neighbor drove by while I was vacuuming Simon and asked me what I was doing [with my life]. As has become my custom, I lifted my shoulders in the universal, "I have no clue" gesture and responded that I was taking some time off. "Not going to law school?" he asked. I keep forgetting that I spent a good portion of my life with the intentions of being a lawyer. (And by good portion I mean like a decade and a half...I'm flashing back to my third grade Halloween costume right now...Mom's graduation robes and a gavel) "I have too much of a soul for that," I said. He laughed and then agreed with me.
Wealthy is as wealthy does, and I might be too nice for all of that.
But part of me wants to take the LSAT and see how I do, just for kicks. Maybe I will. It'll be practice for the GMAT.

Also, Mike and I have decided South Africa. And for Mom, who will be wildly worried the entire time we're there, I read an ad about Verizon now having service over there. So we can hook up our cell phones. Yes!! (not about the cell phones)
Yes!
Yes!
I'm going to South Africa!

After the heat of the day had passed, I grabbed my iPod and left the apartment. I walked down past the campus, past the entrance to Lake Shore Drive and then onto the lake path. I walked and I walked and I walked and then I turned and went back up Broadway. I passed the bank that used to belong to the family of a Senate candidate. I passed the pub that only has three things on its menu. I passed all the windows, all the people and I realized I was in love. 

The city is beautiful. 

Sunburned, of course. Spray sunscreen is not a great idea in the Windy City.

It's hot here tonight. Cat and I are settled in the living room, fans on and windows hoping, hoping for the air to cool down soon. Too hot to think.

Watching "Hoarders" on A&E. I always say, "I might need this someday," and Maddie teases me about becoming a hoarder, however, I believe that I do understand that there is a place for everything. It's sad to hear the answers that these people have, and it's sad to see their families reacting. This man is collecting beer when he doesn't even drink. He's got a garage full of beer, a house full of matchbooks and other baseball memorabilia.

Too hot to think.

Remind me to post about fate, death and then the living again. But before I forget, I need to tell you how wonderful it was today to lay on the beach, in the sun, listening to the waves and the birds and the children. Happiness is sunshine and a warm summer day.

Going to apply at some temp agencies this week just to see if I can get some extra work (and therefore money) during the next month. I start school tomorrow. One class.