Great (mis)Expectations

It's happened.
It's been happening.
It's going to end badly, not for all parties involved, but for me.
Love isn't patient or kind, or any of that bullshit.
It's painful and reckless and full of terrible decisions and one-sided feelings.
And it's inevitable.

I'm not usually the one in my situation. I'm normally the one tearing up hearts, leaving nothing but tragedy and lost hope in my wake. But this time, it's different.
This is the first time since that one time, and man, that was rough. That was three years of my life that tore me apart, bit by bit, until my soul was shattered. I lived on my expectations, my hopes, the possibilities. Lived for them. I still can't listen to the song that was his ringtone then, it reminds me of long nights of waiting and of nothing and of broken promises and tears.
And one day it was over; the pain was gone, there was no feeling at all. A twinge of selfish joy, perhaps, but nothing else. It was done, I was done feeling it, I'd moved on.

Time.

I have a crush. It's a bad crush. Not that it's bad to have a crush, it's healthy and normal and normally wonderful. It is wonderful.
But he's not feeling for me the way I am for him, and even though I'm aware of that, I'm worried that I'll let my heart get in the way of my head, as it tends to do. I don't want to hope anything, I want to live and breathe in the moment and be free but constant. Consistently is lacking in that aspect, as is communication of those expectations. I need to keep myself in check by constantly evaluating the situation and taking it for what it is: nothing. Fun. Reckless fun. Great reckless fun. Perfectly great reckless fun.
That's all it is, that's all it will be. And I'll take that.

I'm here and there; I've not been consistently in the same city for years. I'm back and forth, unsettled, technically free. I'm young and I'm beautiful, intelligent with a seemingly bright future ahead of me. I am everything, but I'm not that yet, I'm still on the cusp of all that is life. I've yet to succeed in business, or work in an office, or make a salary. And I know I'm young yet. It will all fall into place.

There's still time.

It's always the wrong time.

And this is what is happening now. I've caught a glimpse of something that I so dearly want, a person who's driven and intelligent and funny and kind and I've begun to realize those are all of the things that I want. Not stupid boys, I want a stupid man.

And so this crush will have to ride itself out, while he pines for another and I so willingly accept the job of placeholder, keeping time while it passes.

There are no choices but the ones you make in the moment and those are the choices that shape the way you are and forever will be. But I've never been one to make rational choices; I wouldn't be Katie Barry if I did. If you know the consequences yet you still make those decisions, what does that make you? Foolish, obviously. Desperate, not quite. Aware and idiotic, alive.

And to lust is to be alive; it's a reminder of what we're searching for: that possibly singular blinding connection.

I'll be old enough, one day. But by then, some other possibly smarter man will have realized the true value of my personality and seen the scope of my endless possibilities and unique perceptions and swept me off my feet.

And if not, there's always eHarmony.


(dear lord that was emo; I'm sorry. I'm exhausted. It's not an excuse but I'm using it and I stand by it. Part of me is mortified to post this, but part of me thinks it will be cleansing. I hate crushes. They're so fun and so annoying at the same time. But here's to more wonderful years of fun crushes and late nights, and mostly, dancing. And here's to crushes, because where would we be if we weren't always yearning for something we couldn't have?)


Um, also, I'm going to San Francisco! I'll be back on Friday, so perhaps there will be intermittent blog posting but perhaps not. Oh dear, this is going to be wonderful.
Ah, the waning days of my youth certainly do bring about a wild amount of adventure.

I long to travel. Everywhere. I want to visit everything and know everyone before I'm thirty with kids and a mid-level office job.
I want to live.
And that's exactly what I'm doing.
Au revoir, and expect pictures.

I'm so lost and yet so settled.

I've spent the last twenty two years figuring out who I am and I think I've finally come to terms with me.
I've been loving being back; I sort of like being alone but always having somewhere to be, if that makes sense.
I'm excited to eventually find someone to share my life with, but I really truly do understand the value of one's own company. I am finding that I enjoy this time in life: unsettled, aware, alive, terrified, excited, anxious, restless, adventurous, beautiful, intrigued, curious, apprehensive, confident, nostalgic, reflective, quite sure: of nothing and of everything.

I am quite sure. But mostly, I am Katie Barry. And that, my friends, is not a bad thing to be.


There have been so many thoughts lately, and actually the push to write more fiction, so tomorrow, the first day that there will be breath for me since moving home, I will be breathing, and writing, and sipping tea. And then, of course, adventuring, because what day would be worthwhile without some sort of wild tale yet untold?

There are the things that have come back, the curious twists of fate, the possibilities. Exploration begins, tentatively, as does the working out.

Becoming a woman (in the real sense of the word....I used the phrase the other night and my friends were properly horrified) is not the easiest thing to do. There are things they fail to tell you, of course, that you must figure out. One of them is that living in the Midwest will make you love processed meats and cheeses and give you extra curves and things you never thought you'd have. I'm off to hike tomorrow, maybe? Morning? Red Rocks? yes. If I could be anywhere, always, it would be there.

I also can't wait to write the Subway tales, I think you'll find those at least mildly amusing.

I never believed anyone when they told me time would start to fly by as I got older. 

I'll never forget thinking that middle school would last forever, and that high school wouldn't be a time in my life I'd someday look back nostalgically on. 

College didn't even seem endless; it was there and it was done and now it's over and I feel as though it never happened, even though I'm quite sure it did. 

Twenty two is young, I'm constantly reminded of that. But it's not so young that I've not lived a full life, not so young I've not been molded into a wholly unique person. 

Lately, I've been embracing myself, and finding it entirely freeing. Meeting new people, doing new things (please do not judge me for this overly broad statement; cutting bread and putting meat and cheese and condiments on it entirely counts as something new), preparing for great adventures, being generally at ease with the things around me: I'm throwing myself into all of that. 

Not that on the inside I'm not absolutely terrified. Africa for three months? What if life as I know it changes when I return? Of course it will. I will be changed when I return. 

But some things never change. And that might be the best part. 

I'm home. 

Thank you, everyone. I'm here because of you. Not here, here, but here. 

Home, or something like it.

We have arrived.
The trip out was eventful, of course, but we made it in one piece with no trouble. After a late start on Thursday, we got to Des Moines. Both Mike and I were tired and hurting from the packing and cleaning, and the cat was ready to stop as well, so we stopped and got a hotel room for the night. Having AAA does have its advantages, and with a discounted room - I think the discount came to about $5 - we went down to the pool to swim and then ordered food and fell asleep.
Of course, we slept in later than we had planned and then headed out for Omaha. After lunch of hamburgers complete with hamburger-cupcake dessert, we went to the zoo and then out for dinner. After that, we played in the yard and then with the neighborhood kids.
Mike and I slept down in the basement but were distracted by the Wii, and so got another late start on Saturday. We made it home by about one.
Saturday night I went to a friend's barbecue and then had to be up early to start my new career as a Sandwich Artist. Not to brag or anything, but I'm a much better sandwich artist than the other new kid who were training next to me. I just sort of jumped right in and began creating and the other guy hung back.  I'm not going to lie, it's going to be interesting work. Not particularly challenging, but I feel as though I can figure out some way to spice my days up.
Ah, Colorado. We shall see how it all goes. Well, I hope.
I'm still spread out, not quite settled in. My stuff is all over this house and I still have a garage full of things at Mom's to organize. I'm waiting for my three suitcases to arrive via UPS and once they do, things should get a little bit better. Hopefully.