Moody, but what's new?

drink up, baby down
mmm, are you in or are you out
leave your things behind
'cause it's all going off without you
excuse me, too busy you're writing your tragedy
these mishaps
you bubble wrap
when you've no idea what you're like

so let go, jump in
oh well, whatcha waiting for
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown
so let go, just get in
oh, it's so amazing here
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown

it gains the more it gives
and then it rises with the fall
so hand me that remote
can't you see that all that stuff's a sideshow

such boundless pleasure
we've no time for later now
you can't await your own arrival
you've 20 seconds to comply

so let go, jump in
oh well, whatcha waiting for
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown
so let go, just get in
oh, it's so amazing here
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown
-Frou Frou


(Those lyrics are on one of the greatest soundtracks ever: The Garden State soundtrack. In high school, during those oh-so-emotionally-tenuous years, I'd put on a hot bath and sit there with my portable CD player [and then later, my iPod] and just let the songs take me away. That sounds incredibly cliche, I know, but what was my adolescence but one huge cliche really? That's not true, but you understand.)

I'm sure you've heard the good news by now: pre-cancer free! I'm thrilled to death. Not quite to death, but close enough.

Stress, as usual. Skipped Spanish today to sleep. Haven't missed it yet and it's well past Fall Break. Consider that a small success.

Hunter and I have been together a year today. I still remember cropping Ian out of a picture so that I could post it here. It's a picture of him kissing my cheek long before he'd ever put the thought of us together. We are escaping for a weekend away in Northern Wisconsin, leaving tomorrow at noon. I wish I could say I'll post pictures, but I'll take them, I promise.

I got the book I've been waiting for today! It came in the mail (I couldn't wait for it come out in hardcover but wouldn't dream of spending $30 on it, so I ordered it off of half.com). It's called "The Angel's Game" and it's by the same author who wrote "the Shadow of the Wind," Carlos Ruiz Zafon. If you need anything to read ever, read that book. It brought my love of language back.

Anyway, off to bondage night at the Club. Want so desperately to post pictures.

Feeling much better healthwise. I've decided to cut as much sodium as possible (problematic as I love salt) and up the fiber. So lots of vegetables. But that's not been horrible. Squash tonight. It's in the oven right now.

I have decided that when I have the money, I'm going to get a MacBook Pro. It's the same computer that Mike has, and I think it'll serve me well. More on that later, though. I would like to contain my excitement as the purchase is a long way off. I'm just frustrated because I feel so set back. I was planning on spending my graduation money (let's not lie, graduation is the perfect time for gifts. not in a greedy way, but reality) on my summer in Europe, but right now, it seems like that's not even in the cards anymore. I'm devastated, but I understand that life has a way of trying to tell you things. So I need to focus on next year and perhaps a summer in South America instead of Rome.
Hunter promised me that if we ever get married, he'll take me to Rome. (don't tell him I told you that.)

Lost again.
I feel like it's becoming a theme. I get my life sort of put together and then it all falls apart.
School is slowly pulling me under, threatening to hold me at the bottom until I can't breathe and then there's the rest of my life which is pulling me in every other direction possible.
Obligation after obligation.
I need sleep.

I'm trying to go back to healthy eating as a means of counter balancing my other not so great life choices such as beer. It's tough but interesting. More info on that to come. Tonight I made brussels sprouts with butter and maple syrup (so sort of maple butter when it all comes together). They're not bad. That and pomegranate. Pomegranates are expensive fruits but they are so good, I just can't help myself. High in fiber and in fun.

Ah, but the library calls for group work (I so detest group work) and then homework. Tomorrow brings Simon's way-overdue oil change and the preparations for the weekend in Wisconsin. I cannot wait until Friday.

Goodbye, sony

Exhaustion. There's no other word for it.

My bones are tired. My eyes are tired. I think I'm getting a hunchback. I'm coughing, a light, endless cough that seems to be rooted in nothing.

Emily wants her Mom's company to tell me the value of my laptop. Ha, not until I print out every upgrade that it had. Not until the processor is accounted for, not until the new hard drive is accounted for, not until the new copy of Windows, etc. Frustrated. Not trying to rip her off, just want to be treated fairly. She's got nothing to say still. Apparently she had $300 taken from her room. I'm sympathetic, I really am, but not enough to forget this whole ordeal. I mean, I understand where it sucks to be in her position right now. I'm not going to ruminate on it other than to tell you that I do feel bad. But I feel bad every minute of every day since I got back. I miss my pictures, I miss my music, I miss not having to sit in the library to type. I lost a lot more than she did that night, without even knowing about it.
And funny enough, a simple phone call to tell me we were having people over would have led to me asking her to move my laptop. But that didn't happen.
On a related note, I came home a couple of days after the theft to find the backdoor wide open. Swinging in the wind. I locked it and haven't said anything; it doesn't really matter, at this point I've not much left to steal. I have been double checking when I leave and when I come in though.

Want this week to be over. So much homework to get through. Leaving to go to Wisconsin on Friday; will be spending the weekend there with Hunter at the cabin. Will be nice to get away. Don't have to worry about leaving anything behind, I have nothing to leave.

Looking at getting a Mac to replace the computer I lost. Will depend on their protection plan. (Warranty, work, etc) The MacBookPro might be too expensive (nearing $3000 with necessary upgrades), might just go with the MacBookAir ($2400).

Don't want to deal.

I just re-read that post, and it sounds forlorn, melancholic. But it is. That's where I'm at right now. It's an attempt at survival. It's not as easy as it sounds, even though I'm a university student at a urban campus. I'm missing things lately. Missing people, missing faces, places, memories, grasping for them desperately, losing them. Direction, too, seems to have gone away. where? there is no answer, only progress.