Mobile Uploads

These are uploads from my phone; mostly taken today. Spring break has arrived, a full week, fully welcomed respite from school for me. Blissful. Thus far, I've nearly finished a book, something I haven't been able to do in a very long time. 

I find spending money on literature not a waste at all, even though the books are terribly expensive. While I'm home, I need to make sure I get to the Book Rack and pick up some new novels. (Whether or not I'll have time to get to them before I graduate will remain a mystery.) I only say this because I spent the better part of my babysitting earnings this week on books at the airport. I don't know why I do it, but every time, I can't help the lure of the open, miniature book stores selling brightly colored paper and over-priced snacks. Always. I'm usually able to stop myself from buying magazines, but books, ah, books. My one true love, I think. 

Emma, John and Cate were spending the night at Grandma Al's. I love tucking children in and reading books; it's a surprisingly relaxing activity. It was great to see them. They are excited for me to graduate and become "an adult." (God, that's a scary thought, isn't it?) 

There were scarves present tonight for some odd reason or another, and Mike and I put them on, as did Cate and Emma. Emma also loved the idea of taking pictures on my phone, so most of these are the result of her endeavors. I mindfully deleted a rather obscene photo of pizza. Not obscene in that is was offensive, but obscene in that it offended my delicate (hah) stomach. 

Oh, by the way, the first picture is Cate's "stink eye." Adorable. 

Tuesday Thought Jumble

Gray day but things are hopefully looking up.
Marriage and the family. We'll get to that. (Perhaps this afternoon, I'm finding I have quite a bit to say on the subjects.)

My recent overuse of parentheses. Totally alright with it and I hope you are as well. I've also started dropping the subjects out of sentences.

The vet called yesterday. PAWS (the animal shelter) sucks really badly at calling people, apparently. They got all of Cat's cancer-- yes it was a cancerous lump, but the margins around it came back clear.
We have an appointment to take care of his stitches today and I feel pretty good about that. He's been grumpy about having them in and has been picking at them a lot more than I'd like.
He only eats wet food now. Spoiled. I got a case of it at Costco, though. Becky and Maddie are going to watch him while I'm home in Denver.

What to do while I'm home? Ft. Collins, obviously, to see Katie. We're going to be playing Sex and the City next week while she's in Chicago. Her dad is getting a suite somewhere downtown and we're going to spend a few nights in it. (This will be a beautiful adventure.)
I want to see the family. I would also like to go biking. And get a ton of sleep. And watch a ton of Law and Order.
Maybe I'll go get a head start looking for apartments in Denver. I'll ask around.
Trivia with the DQ girls.
Going out with newly-single Heidi to cause trouble. 

Boston is coming up. I am more excited about that than I am about coming home, I'm not going to lie. It's going to be the single greatest weekend of my party youth. All legal, though, I assure you. (And it has been quite a wild ride, I'm not going to lie.)



Blegh. Spanish midterm in t-minus two hours. Listening. I'll do fine.

Hurt

It's taken me quite a long while to figure out that I'm in a bad place.
The break up has taken its toll on me.
It's been two months of nasty phone calls and text messages, me listening patiently while I'm told everything that's wrong with me. It's gotten so ridiculous that I can't stand it, and sometimes, as much as try not to, I do snap back. Last night, I finally realized what to do, so I called Verizon and had his number blocked. Oh, that was surprisingly easy. He's blocked on Facebook, too, and there really aren't too many other ways to reach me.
Saturday, on my way to Indiana, I drove him to work (it was on my way). The whole way there, he pointed to the rearview mirror and told me to look in it (I didn't), telling me that's the face of a cheater, a liar, etc. Then, when he got out on Michigan Ave in the middle of a busy Saturday afternoon, he yelled, "Skank!"
My god. Sometimes I forget how old I am. It's like freshman year of high school.
I keep thinking that letting him vent might help his anger, might help him heal. It's not. I don't know why he still feels the need to do it, but it's obviously not working.
And so that's over.
I can't take it anymore.
I didn't realize how much of it I was internalizing until I did. I'm starting to believe all of the things that he's saying. I'm not worthless, though, I promise.
The drive to Indiana and back did me some serious good. I love being alone in my car just driving. I always feel better after that.
Then I came home to some less than wonderful but expected news and my mood that had been moderate dipped to low.
I didn't sleep much last night. My dreams taunted me.
I'm restless, nervous, unsure.
I'm terrified of everything, as usual.
I'm alone. I hate being alone. I hate it so much. I know that you can be this confident beautiful person alone but I don't want to be. It's not that I don't have people who want to be with me, I do. It's that I don't want to be with them.
Karma. This is some nasty karma. I deserve it, I'm sure of it. But I wish it didn't have to happen to me right now.
But life has a funny of throwing you things you don't need or want, and by necessity, I'll ride this storm out, but oh my god, being stuck in this numb place is horrible. I'm literally apathetic at the moment. I can't stop thinking about this or that or the other thing, but I don't feel anything except the occasional stab of emotional pain.
Mike, of course, had the most simple advice. It helped, but nothing helps everything at a time like this.
I know that you become who you want yourself to be, but trying to conjure up self-esteem is difficult at a time like this. It's hard to project this picture of my happy self when I'm anything but. Light, funny Katie doesn't happen often and my liver is feeling the effects of the forced euphoria. Nights are hard. Days are hard. I'm so alone here, so isolated. I have Maddie, but I can't rely entirely on her. I can't rely on anyone but myself and myself is sick of trying to hold it all together.

I just keep thinking, make it to Denver, get home. But then what? Who am I there that I'm not here?

Hopefully March will move fast. There's Denver, oh my god, I cannot wait. There's Boston. There's Katie coming to Chicago and then maybe another Indiana trip.

I can do this.