Sitting in the car, headlights off, I watched the rain hit. Hit and then bounce up toward the sky again, falling over and over back to earth. Damp cold settled into our bones, causing the heat to be turned up.
Today dawned chilly but after little balls of hail had decided they were no longer welcome, the sun took over.
We talked on the phone today. "It's lonely here," she said. And I agreed. If this is what life will become for me, the endless agony of work stretched in between sleep, I would rather run as fast as I can in some other direction. Instead of hoping for the impossible, dreaming of things and people I can't have, I'd like to not have this life, but instead trade it for the one I always wanted, never thought possible, in dreams, make them reality, but changing the way I act and do, speak and think, and then one day, maybe I'll be in charge of a life I'd like to be living instead of this one that includes the bills and the torture and the endless cycle of work, sleep, work, sleep, no laundry has been done in weeks, nothing cleaned. I work my way around piles, and care so little, because there is no point in the organization. No point to the stuff, to the bother, to being on time.
It's refreshing to no longer care, yet heartbreaking at the same time. The end of summer cannot come soon enough, with its change and hopefully new scenes and faces. I hope for the one constant, I dare not speak aloud, and keep my fingers crossed that fate will look upon me kindly for once.

"Time and chance stand still for no man, or woman." -Karleen Koen

Lighting.

Spring is ushering in summer, hot and cloudy, full of temper at being roused so early. The storms will cease eventually, but for now, the colors of the afternoons are the colors that people only dream of seeing.
Purples, golds, greens echo through the line of sight, and the browns sink into the dark clouds, strange lighting finding peace in the twilight.
I've been struggling to get ahold of my emotions lately, time is just speeding right on by. I feel like I just moved home a month ago, and here it is, May.
Danny coming back has been difficult. We're trying to be friends, but the whole love thing is getting in the way. He doesn't understand why I don't love him anymore, and I can't explain that I just fell out of love the way that I was in love with him. There's a friend-love there, but not a love-love, and that distinction is hard to make.
The excitement of being in Chicago has worn off, but I never realized how much I missed it until I went back. Now, my sole focus is the end of the summer and getting there. Getting there. Back to Chicago, land of cold winds and cold hearts, Loyola, and free-flowing liquid delight. Let's go. Let's go. I can't wait. I don't know why. It'll be a fresh start. Hopefully.
And then I'll be able to get on with my life and feel alright again.