Blue Steel

Mom's phone (above) -- my phone (below)

Yesterday was an eventful day.
I got a phone call before nine informing me that Simon had been vandalized. Someone spray painted " = pain" all over the driver's side window.
After hearing that, there were tears and a plan was set into action. I'm going to get him; I'm not letting him sit in Chicago anymore. He's been hurt so much and I'm not going to let that continue. The white car (Mike's) had been sitting in the front of the house, so it's being looked at. If it's not horribly expensive to repair, I'll be driving it to Chicago to pick up Simon. I'll leave his car there and keep it until graduation in May. After that, it's his again and I'll be biking where I need to go.
As most trouble goes, there's always something worse, and for me it was dealing with the police. Hunter tried to file a report and was turned away. I tried several times and was met by rude police officers and trouble the whole way.
After that, Mom and I decided to go to Verizon. Mom has been in need of a phone for about a year now and we are finally able to get a new one with the whole new 2 year agreement deal. I will say that Verizon has the best national service. I always have reception when my friends don't, except of course, where there is no service to be had.
Hunter has to stand by a window in his basement apartment. I can sit wherever.
Anyway. Mom wanted the EnV3, a phone that has a full keyboard on the inside as well as a regular keypad on the front. We went in to get it and look around.
Verizon is running a deal where you can get one phone free when you buy certain phones. We were looking at a Blackberry or the EnV3 (I needed a new phone too!).
Turns out, I was up for an upgrade as well!!
Some poor Verizon guy spent about an hour and a half with us, getting us all set up to do everything we needed to do on our new phones. Mom got email and internet on her phone for $3 per month (sweet!). I got a great deal, however, I am paying about 10x more than Mom for unlimited internet. My phone has Twitter (which I will be using more: www.twitter.com/katiemarybarry) - I can't blog on there, I tried-, Facebook, Gmail, everything else.
So of us ended up satisfied and quite happy with our new phones; they each do everything that we need them to do.
I am also enthralled with the customer service at Apple. They are amazing. We returned my printer and it may have been the easiest thing I've ever done.
Then we went and had dinner together.
Overall, a better ending to a day that had a miserable start. Simon is parked in front of my apartment, and while I'm not looking forward to driving cross-country in a Dodge Neon in early January, I will do anything to get him safely home.

Post Christmas Post

I hope that everyone's Christmas was as beautiful as mine was. Quiet and snow-filled.
There's a lingering sadness intertwined with the beauty of the season. It reminds me that after May, there is no plan, no set direction. And with that, I am off again on the adventure that will be my life. Here, abroad, I can go anywhere. Of course, anywhere is a strange place, but perhaps better than nowhere.

I'll be getting a new coat and for that, I am thrilled.

Being home is beautiful.
There's nothing quite like it.

Today, Madeline and I went back to Mullen to see all of the teachers.
It was strange. My name is on a banner for people who have received a 5 on the AP tests; it says "Katherine M. Barry - English Language." Impressive, not really, but exciting, yes.

Mr. Hilbert keeps a database of all of his former students. He had to go back and search for me, but he remembered that he'd taught my brother and that my dad had often been in to ask about him. Wonderful. Great. Not remembered for my own achievements but for my father's annoyance.
He updated his little database after telling me that the last time he saw me was in May of 2006. His room hasn't changed. Words are painted on the walls and his collection of books remains. The file folders live on wire shelves against the back wall.

....
too tired. Getting sick.

2000s party!

Not me!



Ha, the party wasn't really a party after all, but my costume was epic. (Maybe not, but I was stoked). Joaquin Phoenix is an amazing actor (he was in Gladiator, um, recently Walk the Line) who went crazy (apparently, but the hoax possibility reigns) and then went on Letterman before disappearing out of the public eye.

These are the pictures.

Snowy day!

I blame everything on dehydration. I don't think I'm that wrong either. I feel as though proper hydration is essential to good body function. It's finals week, which means sodium and carbs, the only foods that make a body feel happy. I've been eating to fill the emotional void I've created, and although it's pleasant, it's not necessarily a good thing. So tonight I'm beginning the fruit and tea kick in an attempt to make my body love me again. Wish me luck.

That said, I fell asleep last night at 8 pm, shortly after kickoff, and slept through the game. It was a beautiful nap, and I slept last night but not well. 7am came quickly and I opened my eyes in a cold to apartment to the first snow of the season.

Ugh, of course I couldn't find any of my snow scrapers, even though I know they're there, just hiding. Got my windows done and got to work on time. The little boys of course didn't want to wear boots or coats or hats. So we went outside. Within minutes, the whining began. Luckily for me, I'd brought coats and boots and gloves and hats. And we bundled up and went on our way. They are four and just don't listen. One of them ran across a busy street today, thank god there weren't any cars. Normally they're so good about it, and normally I get so mad at parents who can't keep their kids on the sidewalk, but when I'm trying to cross a six-lane road with three kids, two of whom aren't in a stroller, it gets difficult. So parents, I apologize for screaming at you from inside my car where you can't hear me, or judging you as a bad parent. You're probably trying.

Exhaustion. Sleeping in tomorrow and it will be wondrous!

300th post? Also, Loyola

I was under the impression that this was going to be the 300th post, but it might be the 301st. Either way, we'll pretend to celebrate 300 entries of emotion and excitement and the cities that I love.

First of all, I would like to make a comment on the way that Chicago has changed me. Mustard. I love mustard now. Chicago is not a ketchup city. Of course, we eat it here, but the Chicago-style hot dog is covered in mustard. And if it can be eaten with mustard, it is. It must be a Midwest thing, but mustard is a staple here.

I've also noticed that my taste in foods is changing as I age. Right now, I'm all about tomatoes. Seriously love tomatoes. I want them on everything. I was eating stewed tomatoes out of the can the other day. And maybe that's not all bad. I've always loved to eat fruit, but I'm also really getting into vegetables. Not just salad, but the pure tastes of all vegetables.

I made breaded pork chops last night. I really don't like pork, but I was excited to have a chance to bread some meat. I love to bread things, but I'm still learning. Egg. It's all about the egg. That was a new addition to my repertoire, Hunter's roommate Adrian taught me the other night when we made meatballs.

I had made some cranberry sauce (cranberries are on sale right now and I'm buying them up and freezing them!) to put on my pork chops, which made them mostly edible. We also had red potatoes that I smashed with butter and a little bit of whole milk, then salted and peppered. Yum.

I'm dyeing my hair tonight! Dark dark brown. I'll post pictures.

Don't make airline reservations yet! Loyola seems to have lost my application for graduation. There's an email into the School of Communication, so we'll see what they say. My credits do all line up for walking in May and for receiving my degree in August. Ugh. Not the best news to receive on a Friday night. But...I double checked in October and it said- there's already a valid graduation application in. So, here's hoping that it will all get worked out.

I'm going out with Maddie and Katie and Anna tonight--even though I've not been doing enough lately to prepare for finals (I seem to have completely lost my motivation)---I'm going tonight to relax and just go out and be. Tomorrow noon will see me ensconced in the library working on my Monday final.

The cold has landed. Hopefully there will be pictures from the evening.

Claude

I've officially decided on a name: Simon's Little Brother, Claude, but we'll just call him Claude.

The last story for fiction as well as the BDSM ethnography are both available at my Tumblr account, www.katiebarry.tumblr.com

Spanish final today, then preparation for my speech Monday, then rewriting stories, writing a segment of a final script and then finishing a Drug Abuse Control class assignment will round out my day today. (Long!) Looking to the weekend: I see relaxation. Tuesday or Thursday brings the Spanish final final (although today is the listening final), then the DAC final Friday. That one will need a good amount of preparation, but I can spend all week doing that.

Colorado, Colorado.

There's really no place like home.

I stole this picture off of Google.

This started out as an attempt to update my blog, but is ending in misery. I cannot form coherent sentences at the moment, thus I cannot aptly describe the scene I was intending to discuss.

But alas, safe in Chicago, busy busy.

Salad.

First post from the new computer! It's been less than 24 hours and it hasn't really set in yet, but I know that I'm so grateful for the opportunity to be able to get a new computer. I'm really settling in to the Mac lifestyle and am excited for greater ease of use. The good news is that I got to avoid the new Windows operating systems.

The above picture is the salad that Hunter and I made the other night. I think this picture is before we added the meat (bacon for me, steak for him) and the croutons (always necessary for a huge salad).

Anyway, this is quick. I'm just testing out my new keyboard. It's going to take some adjusting to but it feels so nice.

I'm beginning the process of installing all of the software. It's going to be interesting and so very exciting.

I'm thrilled.

Thanks so much to everyone who helped make this possible, so much appreciation!

Happy Thanksgiving, a better post to come.

Blast from the Past

If you Google Map our house, you can see the Green Bean. Brought back some beautiful memories for me.

I was halfway productive today. I make chicken salad with grapes and celery and tarragon and then put it on a sandwich with some cranberry sauce spread (freshly made!) and lettuce. It was delicious. I felt really proud of myself for turning frost-bitten chicken into food. Really proud.
I've decided that I want to start cooking to sort of give myself some new meaning. I've always really wanted to do it and now that I have so much free time, I want a new hobby.

Hunter and I officially actually ended things today. It's just not something that's going to fix itself. I won't say much, but I deserve someone who wants to work to be with me and who challenges me to be a better person, mentally, socially, etc.

I am having pre-Thanksgiving tomorrow night. I bought a turkey. Oh dear, it's going to be an interesting day tomorrow. Something tells me I'm going to be defrosting the turkey in the bathtub tomorrow morning. Apparently, it needs like three days to defrost. Great. Learned that 30 hours before it's being served. So I'm going to have to come up with a plan.

Cannot wait to be home.

blah, blah, blah,

I'm currently in the middle of writing a short film. It's about a fertility-challenged couple. The wife has an affair, and surprise, ends up pregnant (because it's totally his fault they can't have children) and then they have to deal with it. Is it a blessing or a curse? I don't know yet. I'm only at page 13. I'll let you know when I get there.

So Ireland might be out for spring break. I might go alone, though. That could be an interesting adventure. Something tells me Mom won't go for that, but trust me, the Irish is/are worth the trans-Atlantic flight. We are for sure going in the summer. I will sell all of my possessions (except Simon, he's mine) to get there. I'm fixated.

So excited to get my new computer. In all honesty, the whole week has been spent either fixated on the break up with Hunter (of course we're trying to figure it out. He loves me. I love him. We just don't work anymore. So we're trying to work), Ireland (one of the reasons we're not working, my god, he's perfect) and my brand new computer! I still haven't decided what I'm going to name it. The last one was Fluffy. This one might be Leonard.

Steel Magnolias in the theater is just as effective as it was on film. Cried my eyes out. Sobbed like a child. Snot on my sleeves sobbed. Man, if Mom ever needed a kidney, I couldn't give her one. I'd totally sell mine though, so that's a plus. Maybe it would help.

Took a nap earlier and consequently am not tired at 1:30am. Need to be up at 7, so I do believe I should get to bed. Can't. Still writing my affair script. Not putting it all together properly, but it's a start.

Like the Bus

As if in an instant, there was nothing left of me.
My shell floats from room to room,
back and forth, away again,
as though it wants to be somewhere.
The hollow feeling centers me.
Still. Solid as a cold stone statue,
made immobile by man,
as I was.
Wind and cold register inside my home,
I feel them but then I don't.
The only hurt is my eye,
I've forgotten about my heart,
is it still curled there, somewhere?
Twisted inside layers of deep flesh;
it was once, I remember.
How can it hurt this much?
It shouldn't.
Saw it coming, like the bus.
Stepped on, stepped off
now lying dead gathering road dust.
Crushed.
Rendered motionless.
Surrounded by the present,
surrendering to the past or future,
either, both, at once.
First kisses, children, little smiles,
shoulders warm, now cold.
Heartbreak.
Stomachache.
The shattering of everything.
Cold insistence.
Selfish pain.
Blind panic, terror.
Tears came all day,
they wouldn't stop, they came every way.
Off the tip of my nose, round my cheeks,
over chapped pink lips to fall off my chin.
They didn't stop.
They fled down my shoulders, my pillows, my fingertips.
They fell, there's nothing left.

oh, just break up stuff.

Perhaps it was unexpected, but late last week, Hunter and I decided to take a break. I called him Thursday night, after he'd told me he was having doubts about the relationship and told him I thought we needed some time apart.
So that's what we're doing. In all honesty, I've been trying to figure out what went wrong and I'm not exactly sure, but I do know that I haven't been happy in awhile.
We're best friends, but are we right for each other? I'm taking the time to figure it out.
He wants to get back together, and I hate to hurt him, but right now, I'm not sure I want to be in a relationship.

I decided to take the weekend for myself, and sort of just let everything be. I've been relaxing, accomplishing nothing and laying around. It's been rejuvenating and I don't regret it for a moment.

On that note, I do need to get some cleaning done.

Infinite Sadness.

Mom told me that she was proud of me today. It meant a lot. I wish I could explain it. It's like validation, something like that coming from someone I respect so much.

I'm currently mired in the mess that is cleaning my room. I've been stopping and going and stopping and going, allowing myself to be distracted by anything and everything. But, things are moving, albeit rather slowly.
The clothes are a three foot mound on my bed. Getting rid of them will feel so good. A donation solution to my problem.

I've been overwhelmed lately. Bogged down. Restless. Misguided. Tired. Unproductive. I'm looking forward to the end of the semester, although I feel as though there is so much to do before then! Thanksgiving break is going to be a nice break for me.

This blog was a distraction tool for me that failed. I have so far written not one productive sentence and am assuming that I won't.

My speech went well on Monday. I got up there and glared him down so hard. He had previously told me that I had poor eye contact. That and he wasn't sure why we don't honor Lincoln (as in, the dead president) more. But mostly poor eye contact. So, I gave him looks that should have turned his eye contact meter to stone. And I smiled at the rest of the class. Mandatory minimum sentences for drug offenders, consider yourself erased!

Ha, but seriously, wait for my blog about drugs. I've got some radical ideas about legalization of ALL drugs. Stoked on it. Want to devote my life to at least the legalization of marijuana. I guess I can do that after my kids go to college.

On a completely opposite note, I bought some sweaters at Target. They are so mature. I look like I've never broken a rule in my life.

Also, as I was cleaning my room, I found a bunch of incomplete thank-you notes. So here's the lamest group thank you ever. I promise (keep in mind its an internet promise) to personally do something nice for each and every single person who's done something nice for me. I was thinking something along the lines of cookies and flowers, but who knows. Those gas cards/just-saying-hi cards/chocolate covered almonds [amazing]/cute little candles/blue-orange glasses/anything makes my days.

Perhaps maybe Simon can have a car wash this week? (ooh, not pushing it)

I built a shelf all by myself! I know that's lame, but the directions said "2 people."

Ugh, can you tell I'm buying time?

I want to be swept away, romantically speaking.

Chicago, Chicago, let me go

I guess I've failed anyone who reads this blog. I always intended it as a place of thoughts, and instead I find myself dropping my frustrations and daily activities into it out of duty. I owe you thoughts, I owe you my rational observations of the city I live in.
I attempted to start a blog about Chicago and the things I've learned from it. I failed in that.
I wish I could capture the moments that I see everyday, whether it's the woman who sits begging for change by the church or the way the el slides away from the station. I wish I could capture the urgency of the city, the anger, the hidden histories. And perhaps I'll try harder and get better at it and be able to fully explain my journey here.
Because it has been a journey.
I get teased about the state I was left in the first time I landed here, my very first day of college, a skinny lost freshman crying. I found a little white beanie bear that mom left for me, but it wasn't any help. It made it worse.
That night, I threw up in the common bathroom, the sound echoing through the halls of my floor. My roommate, Ashley, who now has a baby girl about three months old, came in excited. "There's a bulimic girl on the floor!" she exclaimed.
"No," I replied. "That was just me."
Since, I've traveled back and forth. I've never really felt at home here, I won't lie. Perhaps the decision to come to Chicago has never settled properly on my shoulders. I have loved it. Chicago is a place I hope everyone has the chance to experience at some point in their lives. It's also a sick, twisted city, a place of broken dreams and broken hearts. I wonder if I'll ever find the pieces of myself I've lost here.
I've kept coming back, kept leaving, repeated that pattern as necessary. But to what end? I see the final end now: we're coming up on it. May. But then it extends again, a broken promise. Rome? Not anymore, perhaps. Then June, July. Definitely at August's approach, I shall be once again moving somewhere west, somewhere familiar, somewhere home.
I've gained my freshman fifteen, lost it, and gained some again. I've settled. I've been in love, once or twice here, always finding it lacking. Hunter loves me, that much I know. I guess I love him, but what do I know? I've been struggling, wanting something else, knowing I can't just jump ship and fly to where I want to be.
Is somewhere else the dominant theme in my life? Will it always be someone else, somewhere else? Me wishing I was somebody else?
I find that I am rooted in myself, and in that, I take comfort.
I trust myself, but I'm unsure of my direction. Where does life go? What now? I was talking to an old friend who's finally enrolled in DADC after years of jostling around. Upon hearing about my guidance counselor aspirations, he tells me he's sure I'm selling myself short. And maybe he's right.
Here I am, ready to go, ready to hop away again, but I have no plan, as usual.
Unsteady, unsure. How can I convey all of those thoughts to my readers (all three of them)? How can I tell you that I wonder a hundred times a day if what I've done is good enough? If the path I'm on is the right one?
I promise, I try so hard. I've fallen into melancholy lately, unsure, unsteady, unhappy. Very unhappy. It's as though every week is a struggle, a race to the end. To Friday. To sleep. To what? To another week, oh dear.
I got what I was waiting for last night, the communication missing from my daily routine. I hadn't realized how much I missed it until I had it, and now it's gone again.

Oh to have everything I dream of, wouldn't that be beautiful?

Enter November

Enter November. This was a very socially productive weekend, although one that saw nothing school or life related accomplished.
Maddie and I went out on Friday night. I dressed as Snow White and she as musician Lady Gaga. (She made a bow on her head made entirely out of her own hair. It was an impressive feat.) We went to the bars near Wrigley Field and ended up meeting up with Hunter, his friend Brian and Trif.
That was definitely the wildest night of the week; we ended up meeting some absolutely crazy people.
Saturday, I was sort of all partied out, but dressed up as a black widow. (You'll note it's the same dress from last Halloween. That was $12 well spent.) We went to a house party, but it was literally so packed you couldn't move. So we ended up back at my house.
Today, I have a migraine and am parked on the couch.
Bad news: camera isn't working correctly. Good news: still under warranty. I will call them this week and hopefully get it fixed. If not, I need to find my Costco card so that I can return it.
Either way, not so great news. But on the plus side, I have not lost it or done anything to damage it. I feel as though Halloween isn't usually a good day for cameras. Freshman year, mine was stolen in a bar.

I've realized that the theme of most crime committed against me is theft.
-robbed at DQ
-bike
-camera
-computer
Those are pretty big ticket items. Lame.
Here's to karma, because I know it's real. Somewhere, some unlucky thief is getting everything they deserve.


The next two weeks are going to be rather hellish, but I need to accomplish a few goals.

-Graduate school applications
-Get Rome stuff ready (if it's a go)
-Make an appointment with my guidance counselor---register for classes
-Figure out when all of my finals are so I can get Christmas tickets
-Write my bondage paper
-Pass speech class--I have a speech to give next week, unfortunately
-Do a general cleaning of car, home and room--get my life in order
and finally, and on an upbeat note,
-finish the novel I've been reading.

I hope you all had a wonderful Halloween. I look forward to getting to see everyone at Thanksgiving.

I was thrilled to be able to have two costumes and to only spend about $30 this year. I bought tights, a cape and a bouquet of black roses. The cape took up most of the budget, but I do believe that it will be a very viable piece for costumes throughout the rest of my life.

Also, once I am able to upload photos from my camera (it may be Thanksgiving) but....I was at the grocery store with Maddie and Hunter. I jokingly said, "Let's steal some pumpkins." It turns out that they were free. We loaded up my car with them and took them home and carved them. Mine is a sort of owl-ish looking creature. It's surprisingly adorable. I put little candles in him last night and he was the centerpiece of my decorations.

I walk for graduation on Friday (I think it's the 13th of May but that might be a lie) night. So if you are looking to come to Chicago to hear my name called and then come and have cake, then perhaps this might be news you'll be interested to hear.

But...it's halloween weekend! I am thrilled, obviously and am hoping to make it a great Halloween. I'm hosting an afterparty that doesn't start until midnight Halloween night, so I guess technically after Halloween is over.

Blah, raining and I'm late for bondage night.

Another explosion of quickly scribbled information

It's like I blink and my weekend is gone.
Friday night, I met Maddie downtown for free happy hour at Embassy Suites. (Here's the secret: Save your Embassy Suites room keys.) Prior to that I had gone shopping for new pants at Forever 21 (I also got a beautiful blue fleece jacket/coat for like $30). I also bought some boots, but am sad to say that they don't fit (way too big) and I'm hoping I'll be able to return them. (Grrr...)
Then we went to Wrigleyville and settled ourselves at a bar to watch the Nuggets game. We were pretending to be each other based on the experience at the Embassy Suites where we pretended (not well, mind you) that we were from Fontier Airlines and were in town for a conference. It didn't go great, but we talked some Irish guy into buying us shots. (ha, don't ask. His green card -read Ireland, but we still didn't believe him, my eyes--they're gorgeous, apparently (ha), and a girl trying to sell us chewing tobacco --ew) We went home to find Hunter waiting for us to play poker. I lost badly due to my somewhat impaired state, but slept soundly.
You might have noticed that dinner didn't figure into my night's plans, and thus Saturday was a hellish day. By last night, I was feeling a bit improved so I went over to Hunter's and played hostess to his party. My book that I'm reading is so amazing, I read until 3 in the morning. (The Angel's Game by Carlos Ruiz Zafon.)
Tonight, trivia.
Today, football and online poker.
Tomorrow, return to the real world: babysitting, Speech class and then homework.
Tuesday: story due. (Haven't started writing it yet, ooops.)
Wednesday: just class thank god. (I ran into my professor at Borders and she told me that my midterm looked good, so that's a plus.)
Thursday: espanol
Friday: screenwriting and I'm on my way to another weekend.
(This week looks much better than last week as far as due dates are concerned)
Also, a netbook is out. I went and looked at them. They're dinky. I want a MacBook Pro (the mid-sized one), so I'm going to wait it out and save up to get one. In the meantime, I'm hoping to get Katie's old comptuer at Thanksgiving.

Week Update.

As usual, it's Tuesday and I'm desperate for Friday.
But this week, it seems that if I can survive Wednesday, I'll be alright. So tomorrow I have a test and a midterm and then a paper due by midnight, all of which I'm trying to get done right now in the library. As usual, I'm having problems concentrating, but it's something that I feel has been eased by not having a computer.
I'm wracked with guilt if I check my Facebook or if I go to the lame blogs that I like to read about fashion or celebrities when I'm in the library, so I feel like this is a chance to really get some work done.
Last night, Hunter and I went over to our friend's Nick and Emily's house (grammer check here: if it is the house in which they both live, where does the apostrophe go? after Emily? or after both? I say after Emily but a girl in my class disagrees. Any help would be appreciated.) to watch the football game. I made Halloween cookies.
The whole weight battle that I seem to be undergoing might be in my head. I think it's less than 10 pounds and I realize that everyone goes through periods of their life when being super skinny just isn't an option. I went all veggie for a few days last week and I seemed to feel, if not look, better. So maybe it's all about hydration and less sodium but in all honesty, it's stress mostly right now. I know I'll be stressed for the rest of my life but I'm not going to add stress by trying to dictate what I can and cannot eat. Hunter still thinks I look beautiful, so if he's fine, I'm fine. Also, I wore different pants (my others were already a bit small and shrink in the dryer) and I feel better about that too.
Sorry.
I'm looking into getting a netbook. It's like a mini-computer. It'd be something that I'd have for awhile and then possibly give to Mom (she has no idea of this plan, but I like the sound of it) when I get a new computer. But....that was just a thought. They look like they run under $400, which would be a good thing, especially since this whole not having a computer thing is getting really lame. I'd be able to do homework at home instead of having to be in school to get it done, something that I'd love. Also, Emily is going to be paying me the rest of the security deposit money (from when we moved into our apartment) soon and I would be able to get one with that money. So I'll be looking into it a little more.
Weather holding steady in the fifties. I'm glad of that. I always seem to forget that the weather in Chicago usually holds at moderate until mid-November, when it definitely takes a turn for the worse. I'm unprepared as usual this year, but am finding that problem very far down on my list of things to do.
I have a new novel at home, so even though I'd love to sit and chat (ha,) I must attend to my homework before my brain exhausts itself and needs to remain dormant until tomorrow.

Moody, but what's new?

drink up, baby down
mmm, are you in or are you out
leave your things behind
'cause it's all going off without you
excuse me, too busy you're writing your tragedy
these mishaps
you bubble wrap
when you've no idea what you're like

so let go, jump in
oh well, whatcha waiting for
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown
so let go, just get in
oh, it's so amazing here
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown

it gains the more it gives
and then it rises with the fall
so hand me that remote
can't you see that all that stuff's a sideshow

such boundless pleasure
we've no time for later now
you can't await your own arrival
you've 20 seconds to comply

so let go, jump in
oh well, whatcha waiting for
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown
so let go, just get in
oh, it's so amazing here
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown
-Frou Frou


(Those lyrics are on one of the greatest soundtracks ever: The Garden State soundtrack. In high school, during those oh-so-emotionally-tenuous years, I'd put on a hot bath and sit there with my portable CD player [and then later, my iPod] and just let the songs take me away. That sounds incredibly cliche, I know, but what was my adolescence but one huge cliche really? That's not true, but you understand.)

I'm sure you've heard the good news by now: pre-cancer free! I'm thrilled to death. Not quite to death, but close enough.

Stress, as usual. Skipped Spanish today to sleep. Haven't missed it yet and it's well past Fall Break. Consider that a small success.

Hunter and I have been together a year today. I still remember cropping Ian out of a picture so that I could post it here. It's a picture of him kissing my cheek long before he'd ever put the thought of us together. We are escaping for a weekend away in Northern Wisconsin, leaving tomorrow at noon. I wish I could say I'll post pictures, but I'll take them, I promise.

I got the book I've been waiting for today! It came in the mail (I couldn't wait for it come out in hardcover but wouldn't dream of spending $30 on it, so I ordered it off of half.com). It's called "The Angel's Game" and it's by the same author who wrote "the Shadow of the Wind," Carlos Ruiz Zafon. If you need anything to read ever, read that book. It brought my love of language back.

Anyway, off to bondage night at the Club. Want so desperately to post pictures.

Feeling much better healthwise. I've decided to cut as much sodium as possible (problematic as I love salt) and up the fiber. So lots of vegetables. But that's not been horrible. Squash tonight. It's in the oven right now.

I have decided that when I have the money, I'm going to get a MacBook Pro. It's the same computer that Mike has, and I think it'll serve me well. More on that later, though. I would like to contain my excitement as the purchase is a long way off. I'm just frustrated because I feel so set back. I was planning on spending my graduation money (let's not lie, graduation is the perfect time for gifts. not in a greedy way, but reality) on my summer in Europe, but right now, it seems like that's not even in the cards anymore. I'm devastated, but I understand that life has a way of trying to tell you things. So I need to focus on next year and perhaps a summer in South America instead of Rome.
Hunter promised me that if we ever get married, he'll take me to Rome. (don't tell him I told you that.)

Lost again.
I feel like it's becoming a theme. I get my life sort of put together and then it all falls apart.
School is slowly pulling me under, threatening to hold me at the bottom until I can't breathe and then there's the rest of my life which is pulling me in every other direction possible.
Obligation after obligation.
I need sleep.

I'm trying to go back to healthy eating as a means of counter balancing my other not so great life choices such as beer. It's tough but interesting. More info on that to come. Tonight I made brussels sprouts with butter and maple syrup (so sort of maple butter when it all comes together). They're not bad. That and pomegranate. Pomegranates are expensive fruits but they are so good, I just can't help myself. High in fiber and in fun.

Ah, but the library calls for group work (I so detest group work) and then homework. Tomorrow brings Simon's way-overdue oil change and the preparations for the weekend in Wisconsin. I cannot wait until Friday.

Goodbye, sony

Exhaustion. There's no other word for it.

My bones are tired. My eyes are tired. I think I'm getting a hunchback. I'm coughing, a light, endless cough that seems to be rooted in nothing.

Emily wants her Mom's company to tell me the value of my laptop. Ha, not until I print out every upgrade that it had. Not until the processor is accounted for, not until the new hard drive is accounted for, not until the new copy of Windows, etc. Frustrated. Not trying to rip her off, just want to be treated fairly. She's got nothing to say still. Apparently she had $300 taken from her room. I'm sympathetic, I really am, but not enough to forget this whole ordeal. I mean, I understand where it sucks to be in her position right now. I'm not going to ruminate on it other than to tell you that I do feel bad. But I feel bad every minute of every day since I got back. I miss my pictures, I miss my music, I miss not having to sit in the library to type. I lost a lot more than she did that night, without even knowing about it.
And funny enough, a simple phone call to tell me we were having people over would have led to me asking her to move my laptop. But that didn't happen.
On a related note, I came home a couple of days after the theft to find the backdoor wide open. Swinging in the wind. I locked it and haven't said anything; it doesn't really matter, at this point I've not much left to steal. I have been double checking when I leave and when I come in though.

Want this week to be over. So much homework to get through. Leaving to go to Wisconsin on Friday; will be spending the weekend there with Hunter at the cabin. Will be nice to get away. Don't have to worry about leaving anything behind, I have nothing to leave.

Looking at getting a Mac to replace the computer I lost. Will depend on their protection plan. (Warranty, work, etc) The MacBookPro might be too expensive (nearing $3000 with necessary upgrades), might just go with the MacBookAir ($2400).

Don't want to deal.

I just re-read that post, and it sounds forlorn, melancholic. But it is. That's where I'm at right now. It's an attempt at survival. It's not as easy as it sounds, even though I'm a university student at a urban campus. I'm missing things lately. Missing people, missing faces, places, memories, grasping for them desperately, losing them. Direction, too, seems to have gone away. where? there is no answer, only progress.

At least I have an A in Spanish.

More information to come later, but at this moment I am sad to report the theft of my laptop.
I returned home late Tuesday evening to find that Emily had invited people that she did not know over for a party and that sometime during Monday night, my laptop was stolen.
I have filed a police report and am hoping that the thief tries to sell it at a pawn shop, but it's not looking good.
I will be posting a reward and signs all over the neighborhood (none of the people at the party went to Loyola but rather were friends of a friend of Emily's [I called bad vibes on this girl the minute I met her] from work) hoping that maybe they'll come forward.

Four years of school work, as well as pictures and music are gone. I am truly sick over the loss but am trying to look on the bright side. Thus far, I have found none.

Sadness. I am thinking that right now, Rome may not be an option either.

Emily has offered me her laptop in exchange, but I am refusing as it is not equivalent to the value of the computer that was stolen from me. Mine is still under warranty and I believe is therefore worth every penny that I paid for it. We will have to work together to come up with a suitable plan that is fair for both of us.

I feel bad for her, but she made the choice to invite strangers into our home and now will have to face the consequences of that decision. I know that it puts us all in a bad situation and I am relying on Mom for guidance and support in this matter.

Fort Collins!

Here are the highlights of my Fort Collins trip:

3am feeding with delivery food and Amsterdam clog-slippers:
I ran into Thomas Burns in a bar, randomly. So he came over to hang out with us. (He was my homecoming date 2x in high school)

Katie:

Me failing miserably to slide down a rail.

A bear!!!

Love:

Katie, her friend Thomas and I:

Katie picks me up at the airport!

Today will be the first day that I try printing my boarding pass from online and then going to the airport. Since they are now charging $20 for a bag, I will be throwing everything I need for the weekend (which is a lot considering it's going to be cold) into my mountaineering backpack and attempting to stuff it under the seat.
You know how it goes....we'll see.
Katie's flight attempt, regardless of what happens, will be interesting.
Summit this weekend about graduate school. Be excited.

Strolling down memory lane....

I was underwhelmed by Stonehenge.
Fruit and I in Philadelphia
Martha's Vineyard
Martha's Vineyard.
Kayaking.
Cruise. New England.
Me in Bath. The first thing we told our guide was that he looked like Ron Weasley
Wags!
Follow the crazy chicken!
ha, that.
me as a baby.
Fruit's freshman week!!
My family. Hat park. Junior year.
Rocky Mountain National Park.
Me and fruit.
Kayaking!
My short lived career as a Mullen Cheerleader! (ha, for a play)
My eighth grade graduation. I do believe Mom looks proud.
Fruit's 8th grade graduation
The day Maddie broke her car.
Ha, not even sure. In the Green Bean though!
Me and Fruit before my first Sadie's dance. Freshman year of high school. Still have those shoes. Wore them the other night!
Mining somewhere in S. Dakota
Cruise!
Snorkeling!
The COSMOS!!!
Stellas
Target. Never go to Target. We wore these ridiculous sunglasses all the way to Steamboat
Maddie's car. Lunch break. Senior year. We had a weird thing about hats.
Oh my! Furry boots at Wal-Mart
Fruit and Katie
GRADUATION!
We realized we'd never been pied. So we got some pie tins and whipped cream and went for it.
Senior prom. Emily, Katie and me
The lawn gnome. The day after senior prom.
Stoplight. Colorado sky
Snowboarding. Before the accident.
Mullen basketball game in Boulder
the DQ LOUNGE!! (melvin in the background)
Me, Fruit, John and Emma
After the time we learned how to snowboard. We ended up in the hospital after Katie's accident.
Steamboat. That time Katie and I learned how to snowboard.
Ice skating. Copper Mountain.
I once let Katie Crayola marker makeup on my face. It was a school night. I had to wash my face about 89 times to get all of the color off.
Homecoming senior year. The dress cost me $30. Loved it.
That time I was a firewoman in that play.
Leaf in rain.
My lawn gnome, Pi! Honors geometry sophomore year. Ended my run of honors math classes and also began my short love affair with a fourteen-dollar gnome.
Fruit and I in D.C. with Mom for spring break one year. (I think I was 16)
Peace
I feel like I spent days trying to take pictures through a Jones soda bottle.

The Jesus wig/beard combo.
Mr. Craig's honors English class.
Senior pictures
Senior pictures.

I do believe this was taken at a Mullen pep rally. The quote from that day was, "White isn't a Mullen color." the reply was, "Look around." The racial university (the only word I could come up with to oppose diversity) was made apparent that day.

Fruit took this picture. Katie and I at Walgreens sitting on her car.

This picture was taken on Alameda somewhere with Wade from Colorado Christian University. This is where the term "yakkle hat" was born.
Katie and Maddie at bingo.
Obviously, I'm sitting on a planet.

Emily and I have lived in our apartment for 14 months now. I've been in college for more than three years. I've not been in Denver year round for the same amount of time.

So in honor of nothing really, but in honor of my youth, I'm posting a "Remember This?" blog.